Take The Time

A few posts ago, I commented on the importance of taking it slow when it comes to query letters (speaking from my own mistakes here). Well, in this post I wanted to show proof of that. Below I'm going to post my FIRST draft of These Wicked Waters' query letter (though it's going to cost me a lot of self-esteem points...) and the FINAL version (as far as today, anyway). Draw your own conclusions, but here are mine:

1. Use the Write & Hide Method. In other words, write the query letter and then leave it alone for a few days. Fresh eyes are an asset.

2. Make use of query critiques! Get whoever you can to look at your letter. Search for contests. Check me out, I offer free critiques (on more than just query letters!). AgentQuery Connect is also a great resource for critiques--but be prepared to give back!

3. Take. Your. Time. My final version is Draft 15 (literally, that's the name of the doc on my laptop) and it took me 2+ months to get to it.

Without further to do... I reveal, the queries!

DRAFT ONE

After an unfortunate incident involving a tutu and a school’s patron saint statue, eighteen-year-old Annie is yanked from her summer rock-climbing fantasies and shoved into indentured servitude via cleaning toilets at her mom’s newest project: a fancy-shmancy island resort.

Gawking at hairy amazon armpits, handling strangers’ tighty whities, and avoiding a cute but troublemaking lifeguard are all part of a day’s work. Annie resigns herself to a mentally scarring, yet deathly boring, summer. Until she sneaks out for contraband climbing and discovers the skeletal remains of siren.

Then human bodies start washing up on shore.

The NIS (National Intelligence Service) invades. Annie knows their suspect pool is kiddie-sized, mythological women don’t have a notch in the modern-day man hunt. Curiosity over the island’s mysterious inhabitants and the government’s ineptitude lure Annie into treacherous waters.

Foiled attempting to swallow half the Atlantic Ocean, Annie is shocked to face her rescuer: a scaled woman with two tails. Annie fires off questions, but the siren, Lorelei, only answers with gestures. Her tongue has been sliced from her mouth.

Lorelei manages to reveal three truths. One, Lorelei has been banished from her kind after an unexplained betrayal. Two, the sirens despise humans—lung-breathers—courtesy of a century’s old vendetta. And, three, the sirens are preparing to attack the island, ravenous for human blood.

With the overtime Annie’s going clock while convincing her mom of sirens’ existence and protecting guests from a gory death, she deserves a promotion.

FINAL VERSION

After her rock climbing trip is cancelled, eighteen-year-old Annie Mayfield expects a boring summer at her mom’s island resort—until she stumbles upon a human skeleton. Though a closer look reveals the skeleton isn’t human at all. Humans don’t have fish tails.

Days later, a guest’s bloated body washes ashore. Law enforcement pronounces the death an accidental drowning, yet Annie wonders if something mythological is at play. Revealing the skeleton would give investigators a better lead, but Annie keeps quiet, aware her discovery occurred while scaling the Forbidden-By-Mom Cliffs. Instead, she channels Nancy Drew—minus the skirt and pearls.

While scavenging the island for clues, Annie discovers a siren tangled in submerged netting and cuts her loose. The siren’s thank you is a warning: others are coming, and they’re hungry. When Annie’s childhood crush is found next, mutilated and half-eaten, things get personal. No more waiting for an attack. Annie’s bringing the fight to the sirens.

~~~~~

Unlike the first, the final version snags Annie's voice, the plot, and the stakes--without giving away too much. Thoughts? Feel free to comment!