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Original Version (with comments):
Dear Ms. AGENT:
I am currently seeking representation for my YA/ Sci-Fi Science Fiction novel, NineNINE. Based upon your interest in this genre, I thought you might enjoy taking a look at it for your current list.
Paragraph #1: It's just my personal preference for writing out "Science Fiction." However, I think you could do away with the / between "YA" and "Sci-Fi." Sci-Fi is technically a genre in itself. Or really a sub-genre of YA. As far as capitalizing your title, I've only ever seen titles in all caps, never italicized, but I'm sure both ways would work. I cut the last sentence because it could come across as redundant. You are submitting to an agent because she/he represents your genre. On the other hand, if you were going into specifics here, like citing an exact book the agent represents that is similar to your book, you could keep that sentence.
At 16 years old, Faith Monroe is willing to die for her country (This is a great hook here. Patriotic teen, awesome! Already getting a spy vibe of sorts.) if she has to, just not when the government decides (I think there's a way you could vamp up this phrase to really pack a punch. Something like "just not on her government's whim."). In It's the year 2025, and Faith is one of the many teens slated to discover her death date (Is the italicized phrase necessary here?). There’s only one snafu (Not sure I like this word in the teenage context. Throws me off a bit). The transport she’s riding in has a number of teens, including herself, who never received the population-control chip when they were born. Therefore, requiring an automatic official response--- certain death when they reach the facility. With their vehicle hijacked by unknown assailants and instructions to flee, Faith and her new friends contemplate the only way to resist an alien takeover of their bodies. Death. Unable to sustain life on earth without a human soul, the Niners must be genetically matched. Making their job more difficult are a sassy Faith and the others, who won’t die at their appointed time now, putting a huge crimp in their alien leader’s plan. No death? No available soul.
Paragraph #2: First, this paragraph was a little confusing for me. In the beginning, the focus is on Faith then it jumps to the aliens and then back to Faith again. You did a great job with the first and second sentences. WOW! Then it gets a little diluted and confusing. Suddenly she's on a transport and you're talking about control chips, aliens, and Niners. One of the difficult aspects of Sci-Fi and Fantasy query letters is establishing the world and it's rules while explaining the plot and keeping it interesting. I think you need to try to condense your world-building into 1-2 sentences, at most (like the alien war going on).
Fortunately, what the Niners can’t fathom is Faith’s resolve and untapped survival prowess. Maybe losing her mother at the age of 13 and overcoming a rare blood disorder was a blessing after all because it helps her conquer everything the aliens throw at her and then some. (Faith definitely has overcome a lot in her short lifetime. I'm sure those facts are very important in your story, but not your query. It slows down the pace by throwing a flashback into the mix.) Thankfully, she’s not alone in her endeavor. Apparently not all aliens are malicious, and her current acquaintances (are her acquaintances aliens? I thought she was traveling with a bunch of teens.) have just as much reason to live as she does. Survival is only the beginning, however. Convincing the world there’s a better way to overcome an over-crowded planet than technologically killing them off (Wait. I thought the aliens were the ones forcing people to have death dates, not the government.) is the real burden. But if she has to die anyhow, she might as well die trying.
Paragraph #3: This one was better, understanding-wise. I wouldn't mind more intense verbs/adjectives in here to really pack a punch. Especially in the last sentence. It comes off as "Oh, well, guess I should give saving the world a go," instead of setting some serious stakes. I mean, Faith is going up against aliens (and her government?). She's got to be one tough girl! Show us!
I am a published playwright with Brooklyn Publishing and an 8th grade English teacher in a rural school in N.E. Ohio. Nine is a completed manuscript at 73,000 words. Thanks for considering my query and sample pages. I look forward to hearing from you.
Paragraph#4: Good closing. I've heard lots of different comments. The rule of thumb is not to include any professional background unless it applies to your book, but I'll leave that up to you.
CLOSING THOUGHTS: I can tell you've got a really interesting story here--one I would like to read! It's hard to find a good sci-fi in YA with an interesting protagonist. They all seem to be set on spaceships lately! The thing I think you really need to focus on (which is the hardest part of writing queries) is to condense. I plugged your query in MS Word and the word count hit 348 words. The "hot spot" most agents and books give is a 250 word limit. I think the real issue is in Paragraph #3. Pull out the important bits of your world building and leave the rest for your book. If you haven't already, this site has some successful queries with agents explaining why.
Good luck with your query letter! Feel free to send it back to me for a second look after your edits. Fingers crossed you get an agent, and I see NINE on the shelves in the near future.
Thanks for the opportunity to read your query letter.
~EL
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