Query Critique #10: SHADOW TALES

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ________,

I am currently (The less words, the better! I’ll explain more down below.) seeking representation for Shadow Tales SHADOW TALES (Cool title!), my complete, a 60,000 word literary novel (“literary novel” doesn’t give me a genre or a category for SHADOW TALES. Maybe what you’re looking for is Adult Contemporary or maybe Young Adult? Type in “book genres” into google and see if you can find the perfect fit.) with supernatural elements. I’m a fan of many of the fiction authors you represent, with complex, genre bending works such as The Hope of Floating Has Carried Us This Far (Kudos for personalizing the query!). I hope you will be interested in adding me to your list.

My novel is set in eerie Schadentown, where three characters have to conquer their fears, while chasing literal demons and phantoms of their past. A young girl, a couple and a teenage girl will be locked in conflict with themselves and the pernicious effects of time: holding on to the past, ignoring the present, and overeagerly anticipating the future. (This is the part of the query letter where you get into the story, not a broad summary of what your characters have to overcome. Though the summary does sound very interesting!)

The story follows the events in an old French-German family as they experience the insidious, mystical workings of Schadentown (Ahhh, the elusive “first” sentence of a query letter. Let me start by saying this sentence needs to be a HUGE HOOK. It needs to draw the agent in while introducing your voice as a writer. This, unfortunately, does neither. Click here for a website that does a great job of explaining this.). Starting in the 70s, Viviane, a trusting young girl in love with the oldest forest in Schadentown, realizes that the church is about to destroy it (Ah ha! Here is the makings of your first sentence! When Viviane, a (insert age) year old girl living in Schadentown, discovers the church plans to destroy her beloved forest, she vows to stop them. See what I mean? I know you can think of something better. This is just a start!). Viviane must find a way to save her forest, even as her faith in religion and adults starts to crack (Why is her faith cracking? One thing you want to avoid in query letters are questions. Everything you describe should have a motivation/be explained—except for the ending. That’s the part you want to keep ambiguous!). She also must keep a hold of her sanity as unexplained events after unexplained events succeed each other even as she tries to fight for her forest (Explain these “unexplained” events. That’s the conflict!). Then we follow, Arles, husband to Eliane (Viviane's granddaughter), who abused as a child, estranges himself from his family, terrified of becoming like his father (Are there two POVs in this story? If so, Arles should have his own paragraph). His marriage and his life are on the line (why?): his actions stir up the shadows in his past, nearly destroying him and the ones he loves. Finally, the novel ends with Cayenne, Eliane's niece, who though beautiful and smart, loves to tear down people she thinks will surpass her. When her childhood friend unwittingly cracks her world of self-assurance and arrogance, Cayenne is willing to tear her down. Her jealousy and bitterness knowing no bounds (No clichés!!), Cayenne might realize she has to pay the price for destroying innocent lives (Another POV means another paragraph.).

I am a graduate from Rollins College where I studied English Literature with Honors, Creative Writing and Music. In college, I completed an internship with Winter with the Writers Literary Festival, where I studied under writers, Karen Russell and N. Scott Momaday.  I have had my writings and music published in various magazines since 2014. My poetry, prose poetry, fiction and non-fiction can be found in magazines such as Festival Writer, The Halcyon, Perspectives, Art Saves Lives International and the Mulberry Fork Review. (I won’t tell you what to cut from this paragraph (kudos on being published in magazines!), but try to keep it down to a few sentences, unless everything really relates to your book. If it were me, I’d just mention studying under the writers (and give some one-two word information about them) as well as your magazine publications. It’s up to you though.)

Thank you for your time and kind consideration. As per your submission guidelines, I have attached the first five pages of my novel. Upon your request, I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. Please note that this is a simultaneous submission. (This is usually assumed :) )

Best regards,

…And the end! Here are some closing thoughts that I have for you.

1.  Your query letter is too long. When I pasted the full thing into a word document it totallyed at 451 words. The general guideline for queries is 250-350 words. Of course there are exceptions, though!

2. Unfortunately, as interesting as your concept is (I LOVE forests!), this isn’t a query letter. Make sure you visit that website I linked to in the inline edits. Google is full of great examples. I encourage you to visit Query Shark. There you’ll see a broad range of query letters—critiqued by an actual agent!

3. Consider the three POVs you have in this query. Are all three of them equally important in the actual novel? If so, you might want to state up front, in the first paragraph, that SHADOW TALES “is told through multiple points of view.” Or something like that. This way, agents are prepared for the character switch!

I wish you the best of luck with your query letter. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them! If you want to send any revisions my way, please do!