Query Critique #24: WHEN SET ABLAZE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

WHEN SET ABLAZE (70.000 words) is a 70,000 word YA scifi/dystopian with elements of ancient Roman mythology comparable to that fans of “X-Men” and “The Giver” will enjoy.  as well as 'the Giver’ and containing elements of ancient Greek and Roman history and mythology.

The city of Troy went up in flames around 1200 BC. Now, over 4000 years later, Soteria faces the same fate.

Sixteen-year-old Dawn Bellatoris finds more than she was looking for when she searches for her father (Instead of saying she “finds more than she was looking for” tell us what she finds. That would be the hook!).

As the Librarian’s apprentice she now has the chance to find out what happened to her father, who disappeared years ago and used to work for the Librarian (You’ve just repeated what you said in the first sentence. Consider combining these two together.). During her search for answers, Dawn finds a machine from which a needle appears that injects her with a serum (How does this happen? Does she touch it? Is she in a forbidden part of the library?). This serum gives her the ability to control fire and it makes her veins glow gold (Consider rewording this with strong verbs to show how awesome this new power is!).

But Dawn is not the only one with abilities. From a rival city, supersoldiers come to Soteria (Make it clear earlier on that this is the place where she lives.) with one thing in mind: revenge. Revenge for the people who fell (Do you mean died? How did they die? In a war?) because Soteria didn’t want to intervene (Intervene in what?).

If getting revenge means they need to destroy and entire city and kill or enslave all of its people, then so it will be (Isn’t that usually the goal of invading nations, haha.).

Finding her father is no longer Dawn’s priority. Her city is in danger and with her new abilities, Dawn might be the only one who can save the citizens of Soteria (There are pretty weak stakes here, just because we don’t empathize with anyone but Dawn. Does she have other loved ones in Soteria that she wants to protect? What really motivates her? Saving a nation is great, but I think making it a little more personal will help).

  

WHEN SET ABLAZE is my first YA scifi. I’ve written two Middle Grade books before, which were published by a small, independent publisher called 'Boekscout'. (not sure if I should mention this)

As well as WHEN SET ABLAZE, I have also written two middle grade novels, published by the independent publisher Boekscout. (Put the titles of these books so if interested, agents can look them up. If they won any awards that would be good to mention as well. I also think it might be wise to combine this paragraph with the first one where you introduce the book.)

Thank you for reading this query for your time. The full manuscript is available upon request.

The big thing I noticed in this query letter are the unanswered questions. There are events and locales that I know nothing about. I think you could stand to beef up your query letter as well as the stakes. Furthermore, from your query, I didn’t get the mythology vibe that you promised in your opening. I’d go through your query and make sure you add this element somewhere.

Feel free to send this back to me for another look. Best wishes!!

Query Critique #23: UNTITLED

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

When fifteen-year-old Marc Cheeks’ recovery from a near-fatal stabbing includes enhanced physical powers, he realizes the cliché “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is family fact (This sentence started off awesome, but once I got to “cliché” it failed for me. I think the word “cliché” actually makes it cliché haha. Also the “family fact” threw me until I got to the later sentences and realized what you meant. To be honest, the really cool part of this query, and what I believe to be the hook, is the second sentence. This one, right here à). For every near-death incident, the men in his family are rewarded with even more superhuman strength, but whatever darkness lies inside grows as well. Alcoholism consumes his father. Insanity institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather. Marc fears what could await him.

This is what I would imagine this paragraph to look like if you decided to use the second sentence as your hook:

With every near-death incident, the men in fifteen-year-old Marc Cheeks’ family are rewarded with increasing superhuman strength—and cursed (I’m sure you can pick something better, but “the darkness inside them grows” puzzled me to how it could relate to cancer and such). Alcoholism consumes his father. Insanity institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather. After a near-fatal stabbing, Marc fears what could await him.

After his dad takes his own life commits suicide to escape a deep pit of depression, Marc enlists the help of friends and his crazy uncle, Lester, to decipher his father’s last words: “It doesn’t have to be a curse.” A journal entrusted with his dad’s best friend, Milt, offers Marc his only leads in a search for a person defined as a curse-ending soulmate (How did Marc get this journal? Did Milt give it to him?).

The journal teaches Marc how to sideswipe (I think sideswipe is the wrong word here) death and grow stronger, but pieces of himself slip away into apathy and violence (How can a journal do something like this?). He’s becoming the worst parts of his father and his uncle, and the collateral damage includes a body count.

Marc stumbles upon Milt’s plan to manipulate Marc’s budding abilities to steal his way to riches and kill anyone who crosses him. Forced to make a desperate plea to his uncle Lester, Marc discovers his uncle believes he can cure his own insanity by killing Marc (I feel like a little too much plot is going on here. These are great subplots and such, but I think we got off track from the original soulmate solution. Consider getting rid of one or both of these. I don’t think you even need this paragraph necessarily.).

To save himself, Marc must outsmart Milt, defeat an uncle more dangerous than crazy, and find his soulmate before the family curse claims another victim.

Just some surface-level stuff here. You’ve got a plot-solid query. Some tweaking will really make it shine. Good luck!

Query Critique #20: AND EVERYTHING WASN'T

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ____,

16-year-old recluse, Ashter, is assaulted by guilt everywhere and every second of his existence. (I don’t think you need the rest of this sentence. The word “assaulted” clues the reader in that guilt is always hanging around Ashter, whether he likes it or not! Great verb choice, by the way!)

He has constant visions of his dead father (I’d consider saying “memories” instead of visions. It makes it seem like Asher has a special power.), every time he looks into the eyes of his only friend he dreads the fact he saved her from suicide (Why would he dread the fact that he saved her from suicide? Wouldn’t that be a good thing?), and he can hear the pain in others around him through his "hyperacusis" (What is hyperacusis?). Ashter wants nothing more thatn to escape people, his environment, his memories, and even his physical being.

A quick note on this paragraph. First, I would suggest bringing it up to the hook. That way it’s clear that this list are reasons why Ashter is assaulted by guilt.  One thing I wasn’t sure of is if Ashter has super powers or not. It seems so, the way you described him being able to hear the pain in others. But I think you might want to come out and make that a little clearer. Furthermore, I’m not sure why visions of his dead father would make him feel guilty—unless Ashter is the cause of his father’s death. If so, make sure you say so! Rule #1 in queries: no questions until the end! And the only real question an agent should be asking at the end is: how fast can I request this awesome book or how does this story wrap up, I’m dying to know!

After the death of his drug dealer, Ashter finds his relief in the form of through Bacchard, a guilt-ridden, drug-addled teen whose love for his vintage Polaroid is only rivaled by his constant need to remember (Remember what?).

When Ashter moves in with Bacchard and his fellow escapist, Adona, he finds an eternal haven from his former life-- except for threat the trio's unwilling drug dealer, and his strange little sister (This is a little confusing to me. So all three of these teens are on drugs. Why is an unwilling drug dealer a threat? And how does “his” (who is this “his”? Bacchard or Ashter?) strange little sister pose a threat?).

Throughout his chimerical odyssey, Ashter discovers boundless “friendship”, the world of the heroin, and the seemingly unconditional safety of escape. As reality thrashes against Ashter's new life, he descends deeper into mental disarray and into the perfect world he fought for. Will he be able to save his fantasy at all costs, or will he destroy himself trying?

AND EVERYTHING WASN'T, complete at 62,000 words (you round up and no parentheses!) (61,346 words) is a Young Adult Novel (Young Adult Novel isn’t a genre. It’s just a category (like adult or middle grade). Make sure you give the genre. I’m thinking Young Adult Contemporary from your query.) that is heavily psychological. The stream-of- consciousness narrative is comparable to that of WINTERGIRLS by Laurie Halse Anderson (Good comp!).

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

All right! We made it to the end! I have a few suggestions for you that I’m going to break down into a numerical format because it’s easier to read. Ready? Hope so!

1. I already mentioned it inline, but you need to make clear whether Ashter has special powers or not. It will change the entire mood of the query letter if he does.

2. I don’t see much by way of stakes. I see a bit where you mention the “drug dealer” but I’m not sure what threat he really poses to these kids. Try to make it a little clearer.

3. From the tone of your query, it sounds like you are abdicating for drug use in teenagers, that Ashter doesn’t want to (and will never) find freedom from drugs. I’m not huge into the contemporary genre, so don’t quote me. But if this is the case, you might struggle to find the right representation for this book. With the drug problems we have with kids now, agents might not want to lobby a book about teens escaping into drugs and never coming back. On the other hand, if that isn’t your intention and instead the challenge Ashter faces is to confront reality and overcome his guilt (and get off drugs), then I think you might want to make that end-goal a little clearer. It could also be part of the “stakes”!

Thanks for sharing your query with me. I wish you the best of luck!

Query Critique #18: THE HEAVENS ABOVE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ____,

Espe, a town far from civilization (This is fine the way it is, but by changing a word or two you could really show an agent what Espe is like. For example, Espe, a one-stoplight town in the boondocks. See what I mean? But again, totally not necessary. This is a good hook as it is!), may seem to be a is the perfect chance to start over. But fifteen year old Brian knows that moving in with his homicide detective father to one of the Texas' most dangerous towns will only put him in more trouble.

Since Brian's hostility lead to his mother's death (How? This is a question you’ll want to answer.), he has been fighting the monster inside him. Grief stricken and determined to prove that his mother's death was not his fault, Brian finally lets frees the monster come out strong when a midnight graffiti turns to a murder witness (Do you mean that he witnesses a murder?). He agrees on helping the murderer in all his crimes (Why does he do this? It’s sort of clear in the next sentence that it’s so he can see who might’ve been his mother’s killer. But couldn’t he have done that while working with the police? Or snooping in his dad’s office? This is a point in your query that you want to make SUPER clear. Since it’s Brian’s motivation.). It does not take him long to find criminals with his father in their hate list which gives them potential to be his mother's killer.

As he Brian dives into the bloody (Pick whatever word you want, but I think an adjective would help to describe what kind of crimes Brian is committing. Jay-walking is technically a crime ;) ) crimes and meanwhile digs deep about the researches (I’m sure you can find a better word for this! I just think the less words here the punchier it will be!) criminals, nasty secrets of the town’s dark history is revealed. His mother's death was an accident, but the deaths that are to follow will be the consequences of his misdeeds.

THE HEAVENS ABOVE is a young adult mystery novel complete at 67,000 words. The first chapter is included in the attachment below.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You’ve got a very nice query letter here! It’s almost perfect. The concept of THE HEAVENS ABOVE is very interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a YA mystery novel quite like this one. When the protagonist is an anti-hero. Practically antagonist, in fact. Great job with the original plot!

I don’t have much to say down here since the majority of my comments are inline. But I do want to comment on the last “plot” paragraph. One thing that this query letter is missing are stakes. Is Brian in danger of getting caught by the police? If he doesn’t keep helping the criminals will he be killed too? Does he have a change of heart? Does he have to make a major decision that’s going to impact the rest of his life?

I’m not 100% sure what your book is about, but those are just guesses. The “stakes” are basically what the character stands to lose.

You could definitely “beef” this query up a little more with plot. When I pasted it into MS word it came it at 196 words. The best place to be is around 250 words. So you can stand to plug in some more details!

Best wishes with your query letter! If you want me to take another look at any of your edits, just ask :)

Query Critique #17: WORKING TITLE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Amaleigh Santos (neat name!) is the president's daughter in an alternate New York City where the magical elite known as the Maginai are divided into two groups. Fire Wielders, those with the dragon's gift of fire and Fae Mages, those whose magical gifts come from the Fae. Amaleigh is torn as she wants to join the Guild of Engineers to make her city a better place from the ground up. 

This paragraph is struggling a little bit. The first sentence, which is supposed to be a hook, is more of an info dump and, unfortunately, the rest of the paragraph is as well. Consider something like: “In an alternate New York City where the magical elite, known as Maginai, are divided into two groups. Sixteen-year-old Amaleigh Santos, president’s daughter and humanitarian, longs to join the Guild of Engineers—to heal her prejudiced city, from the ground up.”

See what I mean? This is a hook. Make your own changes, but I wanted to give you a model of what I’m talking about, at least :)

 Whereas her father expects her to eventually follow in his footsteps and replace him as president (This should go up in the first paragraph), According to a mysterious dragon knight sent by order of Queen Tiamat, queen of all dragons, to protect her, Amaleigh is to be trained as a skilled warrior in order to become leader of the queen's guard. 
  
 Just before her eighteenth birthday, when each member of the Maginai community is considered an adult. Amaleigh begins to have strangely prophetic dreams where she is visited by Merlin, the most powerful of all Fae Mages, who had long since disappeared after the fall of the fabled Camelot. He warns her that she must prepare for a war against the Fae where the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. 

This paragraph is pretty confusing. It’s cool that Amaleigh is visited by Merlin! But I didn’t know humans also existed in this alternate NYC. You might want to make that clear. Also, consider showing a little more the tension in NYC. Are the Fae and Fire fighting each other? Are humans caught in the crosshairs? What exactly is going on this cool city of yours?

  
  Merlin tells her warns that in order to survive the oncoming war she will need to awaken Arthur the young king who was beloved by dragons and Fae alike. Only then will she be able to stop the Fae queen from breaking the seal between the worlds, and invading the human realm and eradicating all dragons who dare stand in her way (You’ve lost me again. So the humans are in the real NYC? And the magic people are in another version?). Amaleigh's life is turned upside down (Cliché! Stay away from this phrase!) when she is declared the first ever human heir to the dragon's throne (Wait. I thought Amaleigh lived in the magic part of NYC?).

  The queen is dying, and has waited nearly a thousand years for a Fire Wielder worthy of the throne to be born. A Queen to unite all realms. It is unknown whether a human can even survive the ceremony to become queen. 

 
 Before that, Amaleigh will have to survive the attempts on her life by murderous, or perhaps well meaning Fae. For what the Fae queen has in store for her may be a fate worse than death. Can Amaleigh bear the weight of the crown of flames? (Ending in questions is strongly discouraged!)

Okay! First of all, from what I could understand, this is a really cool fantasy novel! At least, I think it’s fantasy. You didn’t have a closing paragraph giving the title OR the word count. Make sure you add that before subbing to agents.

One thing I’d suggest is going through your query letter and look at it from an outsider’s perspective. Does the world building make sense? How about Amaleigh’s motivations. As you can tell from my notes inline, the aspect of your NYC world really confused me. I’d advise firming up your explanation a little more.

On another note, your word count for this query was 359 words. The sweet spot is usually 250-300 words. There are definitely some things that you can cut and tighten to make your query letter sparkle.

Good luck with this! Feel free to send me the edited version, if you like!

Query Critique #16: THE SEVEN SOULS

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ____,

In the forest, where the trees uproot and come alive at sun down, a fifteen-year-old refugee named Kale is learning how to tame them (Amazing first sentence. Oh, wow! I love it already. That and I have a character in one my books named Kale. So great name choice! ;) ). Kale is a Shepherd, a master of living trees– at least he will be once he passes his apprenticeship (Is this the right word? It might just be me, but I’m picturing him passing a test so he can be an apprentice. Maybe just keep it simple and swap apprenticeship with “final test.”). But under his mentor′s watchful eye, he struggles to earn his title (The way this sentence is worded, it almost seems like because of his mentor’s watchful eye, Kale can’t pass his apprenticeship.).

To further his training, Kale′s mentor brings him along accompanies his master to investigate a breach in the forest. They find a discover a dark creature bearing a message from Socren′s (What is Scoren? A towen?) corrupt leader, Edric. The refugees have four days to return to Socren, a city overrun and controlled by Edric′s experimental creatures and its citizens treated as slaves, where they will face trial for desertion (This is a pretty important world-building sentence. You might want to break this into two sentences. I know you mentioned in the very first sentence that Kale was a refugee. I cut that because I wanted to make the sentence punchier and you telling us that Kale was a refugee made me pause and try to understand why he is a refugee, which you didn’t answer. Consider explaining why Kale and his mentor are refugees in this paragraph. Also, why would Edric be summoning the refugees back just to kill them? Who would go???) .

Kale and the refugees must make a choiceto choose: come out of hiding and likely face execution, or defy Edric′s demands and flee (Choice number two!!). The answer seems simple to Kale: run. But when an ancient power, thought to be dormant, reawakens and begins to devour devouring the forest, Kale realizes neither option can will assure their livessurvival. They must fight – fight back against Edric and his monstrous creatures in hopes to regain their city once and for all (What brought them to this decision? Were they going to flee into the forest? The forest that’s being destroyed? You might want to show how Kale reaches this decision a little bit. I couldn’t connect the dots.). Kale must convince the refugees to find their courage if they wish to survive. (I think the previous sentence is a great way to end it!)

The Seven Souls THE SEVEN SOULS is a YA fantasy novel completed at 99,000 words with series potential. I've written to you because you are actively seeking fantasy submissions. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Not much to say down here! All my major comments are inline. Of course, I think you could go through and toughen up some of your verbs, but I think this query letter is well on its way to being finished. Paragraph #2 is your weakest link, so spend some time tweaking that one. Since your book is a fantasy, it’s very important that the world building in your query letter is clear.

If you want to send me your edits later on, feel free! I wish you the best with THE SEVEN SOULS!

Query Critique #15: THE PENDRAGON'S SON

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear _______,

When seventeen-year-old Prince Vael meets his estranged half-brother, Mordred, for the first time, he discovers they’re fated to be enemies (How does he discover this?).

Vael’s comrades fear the ancient prophecy that claims claiming the bitter Mordred will slay his own father (Maybe instead of “own father” you should say King Arthur or something. That way there’s a connection that shows Mordred’s father and Vael’s father are one-and-the-same.) in battle that will destroy Britain. They warn him (Who is this him? Vael?) to stay away, but he’s too stubborn to heed them. Determined to prove that not all destinies are set in stone—especially since his own birth was foretold to be impossible—he takes Mordred as his squire. Although they have more than a little difficulty seeing don’t see eye to eye, their parents’ feeling of being ignored and rejected rejection by their parents knits them together. However, their budding friendship means nothing to the superstitious kingdom that wants nothing more than to see Mordred dead.

But fate is no easy foe. Mordred’s former love, Alfirin, knows this even more than Vael. When Mordred’s sorceress mother threatens Alfirin’s life to manipulate him, Vael must protect his new friend at all costs and keep his brother from following in his mother’s twisted footsteps (This sentence is a little messy. I’d consider chopping it into two. I think that you’re focusing on Mordred and Vael who are accomplishing different things in one sentence, which skews things a bit.). However, the vengeful sorceress has already gathered her forces against Camelot, and she will do anything to ensure Mordred fights by her side as foretold. If Vael fails to thwart hersave Mordred, he will have to assemble an army to defend his home from a man he loves—his own brother.

THE PENDRAGON’S SON (ADORE this title!) is a YA fantasy complete at 97,000 words with series potential. An excerpt from my manuscript received the Superior Award from the Association of Christian Schools International (ACSI) Creative Writing Contest and the ACSI Regional Creative Writing Festival (Congratulations! This is awesome!). I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a minor in literature from the Richard Stockton College of New Jersey.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You’ve got to love a King Arthur story! I know I do!

I didn’t make too many comments above because I wanted to save my “overall” thoughts for down here. Don’t take me the wrong way when I say this, because I want the best for you and your book, but this King Arthur story isn’t anything new. At least, that’s what I’m getting from your query letter. There are so many books on the market (and movies) that show Arthur (or some descendent) trying to save Mordred from his fate—and failing. Because you’re writing in such a sodden genre, you must show in your query letter how your book stands out. Take a look at your manuscript and jot down a few ideas about what makes your retelling different. Then try to squeeze those tidbits into your query letter.

That frustrating revelation aside, you did a fantastic job weaving your plot through the query letter. I can easily understand how one things leads to another. Something I would suggest is to try to reword the sentences so they’re snappier and use strong adjectives/verbs. The way the query is now, it didn’t paint a picture in my head. It was more like reading a textbook version of what happened in your book. THE PENDRAGON’S SON deserves much better than that! Vael is playing a weighted game against fate—a game he’s destined to lose. Show us the tension, make us hope that Mordred can overcome the cruel hand he’s dealt, make us sympathize with the brothers! You can do it!

I know my comments were pretty brutal. I don’t mean them that way :(. Your book and your time deserves 100% honesty, which is what I’m giving you. I want your query letter to shine brighter and be more powerful than Excalibur!

If you decide I’m not a horrible person (please decide I’m not!), I’d love to take a look at the edited version of your query letter! I have a weakness for a good Camelot retelling! Best of luck to you!

Query Critique #13: THE STARLIGHT CROWN

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear __________,

16-year-old Eden has always dreamed of life among the stars, and when she’s chosen to compete in the Miss Universe pageant, her wish has come true (Fantastic opening. Right from the beginning I’m given a bit of Eden’s personality, her goals, and that this book is probably a sci-fi novel! Stellar!). But her fight for the title won’t just determine who wins a crown – it will decide the fate of a galaxy on the brink of war (LOVE! I’m hooked.).

For Eden, Miss Universe is a chance to explore a galaxy forbidden to Earth for centuries (I’m a little confused here. You started to talk about the contest being more than a contest. I was expecting a little more explanation. If you decide to keep this, consider explaining why the galaxy has been forbidden to Earth. Save the unexplained plot bits for the end!). For her new friends, it’s their only hope of escape from a tyrannical theocracy, an apartheid state, or a dying home world (I love that you’re giving all the girls a deeper reason for being in the pageant. Makes me love them all already!). With a promise to unite their fractured solar system no matter who wins, the girls enter the pageant’s labyrinthine compound on the Moon (Neat!), where one of them will become the official ambassador for peace in a bright new era. Or so they believe (Uh oh!).

(I wanted to pause here to say a few things about Paragraph 2. You did an amazing job with #1. You drew me in flawlessly. When I hit #2, things come to a screeching halt and got a little confusing. I think some rewording would definitely help here. Consider continuing in the vein of the pageant deciding the fate of a galaxy. Something like:

“The girls enter the pageant’s labyrinthine compound on the Moon, where one of them will become the official ambassador for peace in a bright new era. Or so they believe. For Eden, Miss Universe is a chance to explore an unknown galaxy. For her new friends, it’s their only hope of escaping a tyrannical theocracy, an apartheid state, or a dying home world.”

I’m sure you can think of something better. But for me this seems to flow a bit better. You had all the pieces, I think they just needed to be rearranged.)

Behind the glitz and glamor, this pageant is far from the beauty contest its organizers advertised (Show how the contest isn’t as advertised. Maybe something like, “Behind the glitz and glamor, this pageant hides a dark secret.” See what I mean?). By day, hopefuls for the crown learn decorum and diplomacy; by night, they train in elemental arts both dazzling and dangerous. The appearance of Toru, son of Earth’s leader, doesn’t make things any easier for Eden – especially since her interest in him jeopardizes her place in the contest (Why is the appearance of Toru such a big deal? Does Eden know him from before? Without giving a bit of background or why’s, the danger of Toru seems to fall flat.).

But when disqualified contestants start disappearing before they can return home, Eden and her friends suspect there’s a more sinister purpose to this contest than choosing a beauty queen. With the help of a mysterious ally (Who’s the mysterious ally? No secrets except the ending, remember!), they learn that hidden within these the labyrinth’s walls is the real reason they were brought here: a weapon more powerful than any this solar system has ever known (Show us the power. Is it able to destroy a planet? Wipe out a population with one shot?), and one which can only be used by a daughter of the world it came from (I’d suggest making this its own sentence to keep in punchy: “And can only be used by the daughter of the world that created it.”).

She’s the one many have died to protect. The one many more would kill to find. The one who will become Miss Universe – and whoever she is, she’ll hold the fate of the universe in her hands (This is a super cool ending. I adore it. I’m just a little confused as to how the contest will reveal which girl it is and why the leaders didn’t just kidnap the right girl and make her use the weapon.).

Complete at 80,000 words, THE STARLIGHT CROWN (Beautiful title!) is a YA sci-fi that will appeal to fans of Marissa Meyer’s Cinder and Victoria Aveyard’s Red Queen, (Marvelous comps!) and is the first in a planned series.

Wow. Okay, I know there is a lot of red in this query letter. But let me tell you right now, I want to read this book. Desperately. It’s so differently from any scifi I’ve seen on the shelves lately. I think an agent will feel the same. It’s like The Selection, in space, with a much cooler end-prize.  While I do think you might be able to get an agent with this based on the idea alone, I think making the query letter shine would garner you a lot more requests (In fact, I’m kind of jealous of your idea, haha!). I don’t have much to say down here that I didn’t say inline. Keep an eye on your word count for your query. It totaled at 344 words. It’s not a huge deal, but keeping things succinct and snappy is always important. I don’t have much else to say in this section. Other than lots of compliments of course, haha.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Furthermore, if you make changes and want me to take another look, feel free to send it my way. Good luck! I hope to see THE STARLIGHT CROWN on bookshelves soon.

Query Critique #11: WORKING TITLE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear ________,

Clumsy, introverted (Stellar job starting with some descriptors of your MC! That said, the adjectives you chose could describe almost every main character in the YA genre. Consider looking at Elizabeth’s personality or hobbies, and see what makes her stand out. Then use that to describe her.) Elizabeth Hofsky watched her twin sister, Brianna, abruptly (this adverb takes away from the punch of “die”) die (Could you consider explaining this a little more? How did Brianna die? The only questions you want an agent to have is how the story ends!) right in front of her eyes. Even almost exactly a year later, Elizabeth still feels disoriented by the fragility of her vibrant twins’ life.

Which is why, wWhen Elizabeth flees (Why is she fleeing? Are her parents not getting along? Is her home life messy? Are there too many memories of her sister? The word seems out of place in the sentence without an explanation) for college, she hopes that she can start fresh. But while a (Here would be a great place to put in some details about what Elizabeth is running from) At first it seems like life might actually be back to like life is back to normal, but Elizabeth soon begins to unravel at the seams. She faces the typical freshman turbulence of difficult classes, an intimidating mentor, a cute RA, a backstabbing roommate, and quirky parents (after everything listed, the “quirky parents” is kind of a climatic downer haha. Do you have a better adjective to describe her parents? Something a little punchier?), but none of these challenges compare to the heartache she buries deep inside of her (What heartache?).

The novel delves into Elizabeth’s disastrous first semester in college, but simultaneously tells the story of Brianna’s traumatic death and the first twelve months Elizabeth endured without her twin. This allows for the novel to explore the true meaning of ‘starting fresh’. (This is the point in your query letter where you would list the title of your book, the genre, and the word count. You don’t need to summarize what the book is about. You show that bit.)

And… the end!

You are on the right track with this query letter. The problem that stood out to me right away was word count. Your query letter is 150 words. The “sweet spot” for query letters is 250-300 words. Your query is very bare bones. You could stand to add 100 words or so. The query letter is also missing some of the book-wide conflict. Is the entirety of it about Elizabeth coping with her sister’s death and moving on? If so, make sure you write that out (without coming out and saying so. Difficult, no? Haha.). Another aspect that is missing are the stakes. What does Elizabeth stand to lose that propels her to keep pushing forward?

This is a great start—don’t stop now! Make some changes and add some more meat to this query. Then, if you like, send it my way again for another look. Good luck!