My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!
If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.
Original Version (with comments):
When fifteen-year-old Marc
Cheeks’ recovery from a near-fatal stabbing includes enhanced physical powers,
he realizes the cliché “whatever doesn’t kill
you makes you stronger” is family fact (This sentence started off awesome, but once I got to “cliché” it
failed for me. I think the word “cliché” actually makes it cliché haha. Also
the “family fact” threw me until I got to the later sentences and realized what
you meant. To be honest, the really cool part of this query, and what I believe
to be the hook, is the second sentence. This one, right here à). For every near-death
incident, the men in his family are rewarded with even more superhuman
strength, but whatever darkness lies inside grows as well. Alcoholism consumes
his father. Insanity institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather.
Marc fears what could await him.
This is what I would imagine
this paragraph to look like if you decided to use the second sentence as your
hook:
With every near-death incident, the men in fifteen-year-old Marc
Cheeks’ family are rewarded with increasing superhuman strength—and cursed (I’m sure you can pick something better, but “the darkness inside
them grows” puzzled me to how it could relate to cancer and such). Alcoholism consumes his father. Insanity
institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather. After a near-fatal
stabbing, Marc fears what could await him.
After his dad takes his
own life commits suicide to escape a deep pit of depression, Marc enlists the help of
friends and his crazy uncle, Lester, to decipher his father’s last words: “It doesn’t have to be a
curse.” A journal entrusted with his dad’s best friend, Milt, offers Marc his
only leads in a search for a person defined as a curse-ending soulmate (How did Marc get this journal? Did Milt give it to him?).
The journal teaches Marc
how to sideswipe (I think sideswipe is the
wrong word here) death and grow stronger,
but pieces of himself slip away into apathy and violence (How can a journal do something like this?). He’s becoming the worst parts of his father and his uncle, and
the collateral damage includes a body count.
Marc stumbles upon Milt’s
plan to manipulate Marc’s budding abilities to steal his way to riches and kill
anyone who crosses him. Forced to make a desperate plea to his uncle Lester,
Marc discovers his uncle believes he can cure his own insanity by killing Marc (I feel like a little too much plot is going on here. These are
great subplots and such, but I think we got off track from the original
soulmate solution. Consider getting rid of one or both of these. I don’t think
you even need this paragraph necessarily.).
To save himself, Marc must outsmart
Milt, defeat an uncle more dangerous than crazy, and find his soulmate
before the family curse claims another victim.
Just some surface-level stuff here.
You’ve got a plot-solid query. Some tweaking will really make it shine. Good
luck!
No comments:
Post a Comment