Query Critique #26: SOMEWHERE BETWEEN YOU AND ME

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

New York belongs to dreamers. That’s why Aven moves from her small town in Oklahoma to study medicine in the Big Apple. Once there, she realizes she might be at the wrong place after all. She isn’t sure of who she is or what she wants anymore. She hates her gloomy job as a nursing assistant and the idea of getting into med school at the end of summer causes her a major anxiety attack. On top of all, she knows no one and nothing about her new supposedly home and after taking the wrong subway and ending in a dangerous neighborhood in Brooklyn, wandering the city streets alone scares her.

Wow! Aven is a brave young woman, moving to NYC from Oklahoma to study medicine. I love that you have things turn out to be everything but what she expected. This paragraph is a little long though. I think you could condense it into two sentences. The main goal of your first sentence is to hook the agent in right away with your main character, plot, etc. Here’s an example to get you started:

New York City belongs to dreamers, and twenty-year-old Aven Insert-Last-Name has dreams as big as the Oklahoma sky where she grew up. Except when she arrives in the Big Apple to study medicine, the dangers of city life and the rigors of nursing threaten to send her fleeing back to her small town.

(I think you should bring this up to the first paragraph since you have dual POVs in this query, each POV gets a paragraph.) But everything changes the day she meets Jeremy, a handsome street musician who plays at Central Park and captivates her with his melancholic music. Jeremy is everything she’s afraid doesn’t dare to be−brave (I think she’s brave for moving from Oklahoma to NYC!), confident, and passionate about what he does−and he knows the city like the back of his hand (I think this becomes clear when he offers to show her NYC). So when he offers Aven the opportunity to experience New York together she accepts, going against her plans and her mother’s warnings warns to not get distracted by boys and ruin her future. 

Jeremy knows what he wants from his life−play guitar, sing, and be the owner of his destiny. He’s not going to pretend to be some else or conform to a life half lived anymore. When he meets Aven, the a lost lonely girl who unexpectedly becomes his muse, he’s sure he wants her to be part of his future even though she wants nothing but his friendship (It looked like she wanted more than friendship in the paragraph above.).

(This should be its own paragraph since its bringing the POVs together) As Aven and Jeremy they experience explore the city together, ignoring their growing attraction, they realize their stories dreams are not so different. But this connection they share could bring them together or tear them apart if Aven isn’t willing to admit her feelings. Aven finds herself torn between Her true dreams could become a reality, but she’s torn between breaking her mother’s heart (I think you need to make it clearer that her mom really wants Aven to be a nurse. Otherwise the stakes here don’t seem so dramatic.) or her own.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN YOU AND ME (Love the title!) is a NA contemporary novel completed at 50,000 words (The WC seems a little low for NA). The story alternates between Aven and Jeremy’s point of view with some of Jeremy’s chapters written in verse. Some of Jeremy’s chapters include songs. Though it is a standalone novel it has series potential the potential of becoming a series.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Despite the red, this is a really good query letter. You made both of your characters real for me and introduced the stakes. Well done! I did a lot of shaving word count wise because the query clocked in at 364 words. The sweet spot for a query letter is 250-300. Since this is a contemporary romance, I think you’d be better off being closer to 250 words. Good luck! Let me know if you would like me to take another look once you’ve done some edits.

Query Critique #25: DEAD MUSE WAKE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

I’m seeking representation and saw on Anon. Agency’s website that you enjoy weird and unpretentious literary fiction seasoned with a good sense of humor. I think my Adult Contemporary (Or whatever genre it happens to be.) novel, Dead Muse Wake DEAD MUSE WAKE, complete at 71,000 words, might be a good fit. (Great intro paragraph. You definitely did your research will make the agent that much more interested in reading the actual query! I will take the agency's name out of what goes on my website though, just for anonymity’s sake.)

When suicidal computer tech and aspiring author Mael Jones’ new muse, Thalia, is murdered, he hallucinates an ongoing relationship with her which inspires what he believes may be the greatest novel ever written—problem is, Mael is the only person who thinks Mael is any good at writing (This first sentence is a mouthful—48 words long! I think you should try to chop this up a bit and take out some things that aren’t necessary. Here’s an example: Thirty-seven-year-old aspiring author Mael Jones’ muse has just been violently murdered. Except, in his mind, she’s still alive and their imaginary relationship makes the perfect novel. Something that really confuses me about this paragraph is Mael’s delusions. At first it seems like he’s so mentally ill that he has no idea that Thalia has really been murdered. Then it seems he realizes he’s making her up and his delusional relationship would make the perfect book.).

Trapped Iin a downward spiral of his own artistic madness, Mael will engages in an half-assed investigation into Thalia’s murder while being manipulated on two fronts: first, by Thalia’s sister who wants him to write a tell-all about the case and second, by a cabal of middle school rebels (led by a thirteen-year-old writing prodigy) (Parentheses are usually a no-no in query letters.) fighting the tyranny of standardized testing (I struggle to see how these two connect.). Oscillating between grandiose delusions and profound self-loathing, Mael will lose everything (and do anything) in his stubborn refusal to accept artistic failure on society’s terms (This ends on a rather depressing note. It seems like Mael doesn’t have any character growth or overcome a anything. He just flops until he loses anything. What is his goal? Does he want to solve Thalia’s murder or write the perfect novel? What’s standing in his way? These are some questions to ponder as you edit this query letter. This paragraph needs some good strong stakes in it. And by stakes I don’t mean a delicious hunk of meat that I happen to be craving, haha. Show us hat Mael sands to lose and the choice he has to make to keep himself from losing whatever it is.).

Dead Muse Wake is my second novel. My first, a sci-fi satire called Under the Suns, was self-published to positive reviews. I’ve included the first five pages below as specified in your submission guidelines. (From what I’ve read, mentioning a self-pubbed book in the bio isn’t necessary since it’s a different type of publishing. But this is at your discretion.) Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Best of luck with your edits!

Query Critique #24: WHEN SET ABLAZE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

WHEN SET ABLAZE (70.000 words) is a 70,000 word YA scifi/dystopian with elements of ancient Roman mythology comparable to that fans of “X-Men” and “The Giver” will enjoy.  as well as 'the Giver’ and containing elements of ancient Greek and Roman history and mythology.

The city of Troy went up in flames around 1200 BC. Now, over 4000 years later, Soteria faces the same fate.

Sixteen-year-old Dawn Bellatoris finds more than she was looking for when she searches for her father (Instead of saying she “finds more than she was looking for” tell us what she finds. That would be the hook!).

As the Librarian’s apprentice she now has the chance to find out what happened to her father, who disappeared years ago and used to work for the Librarian (You’ve just repeated what you said in the first sentence. Consider combining these two together.). During her search for answers, Dawn finds a machine from which a needle appears that injects her with a serum (How does this happen? Does she touch it? Is she in a forbidden part of the library?). This serum gives her the ability to control fire and it makes her veins glow gold (Consider rewording this with strong verbs to show how awesome this new power is!).

But Dawn is not the only one with abilities. From a rival city, supersoldiers come to Soteria (Make it clear earlier on that this is the place where she lives.) with one thing in mind: revenge. Revenge for the people who fell (Do you mean died? How did they die? In a war?) because Soteria didn’t want to intervene (Intervene in what?).

If getting revenge means they need to destroy and entire city and kill or enslave all of its people, then so it will be (Isn’t that usually the goal of invading nations, haha.).

Finding her father is no longer Dawn’s priority. Her city is in danger and with her new abilities, Dawn might be the only one who can save the citizens of Soteria (There are pretty weak stakes here, just because we don’t empathize with anyone but Dawn. Does she have other loved ones in Soteria that she wants to protect? What really motivates her? Saving a nation is great, but I think making it a little more personal will help).

  

WHEN SET ABLAZE is my first YA scifi. I’ve written two Middle Grade books before, which were published by a small, independent publisher called 'Boekscout'. (not sure if I should mention this)

As well as WHEN SET ABLAZE, I have also written two middle grade novels, published by the independent publisher Boekscout. (Put the titles of these books so if interested, agents can look them up. If they won any awards that would be good to mention as well. I also think it might be wise to combine this paragraph with the first one where you introduce the book.)

Thank you for reading this query for your time. The full manuscript is available upon request.

The big thing I noticed in this query letter are the unanswered questions. There are events and locales that I know nothing about. I think you could stand to beef up your query letter as well as the stakes. Furthermore, from your query, I didn’t get the mythology vibe that you promised in your opening. I’d go through your query and make sure you add this element somewhere.

Feel free to send this back to me for another look. Best wishes!!

Query Critique #23: UNTITLED

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

When fifteen-year-old Marc Cheeks’ recovery from a near-fatal stabbing includes enhanced physical powers, he realizes the cliché “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is family fact (This sentence started off awesome, but once I got to “cliché” it failed for me. I think the word “cliché” actually makes it cliché haha. Also the “family fact” threw me until I got to the later sentences and realized what you meant. To be honest, the really cool part of this query, and what I believe to be the hook, is the second sentence. This one, right here à). For every near-death incident, the men in his family are rewarded with even more superhuman strength, but whatever darkness lies inside grows as well. Alcoholism consumes his father. Insanity institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather. Marc fears what could await him.

This is what I would imagine this paragraph to look like if you decided to use the second sentence as your hook:

With every near-death incident, the men in fifteen-year-old Marc Cheeks’ family are rewarded with increasing superhuman strength—and cursed (I’m sure you can pick something better, but “the darkness inside them grows” puzzled me to how it could relate to cancer and such). Alcoholism consumes his father. Insanity institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather. After a near-fatal stabbing, Marc fears what could await him.

After his dad takes his own life commits suicide to escape a deep pit of depression, Marc enlists the help of friends and his crazy uncle, Lester, to decipher his father’s last words: “It doesn’t have to be a curse.” A journal entrusted with his dad’s best friend, Milt, offers Marc his only leads in a search for a person defined as a curse-ending soulmate (How did Marc get this journal? Did Milt give it to him?).

The journal teaches Marc how to sideswipe (I think sideswipe is the wrong word here) death and grow stronger, but pieces of himself slip away into apathy and violence (How can a journal do something like this?). He’s becoming the worst parts of his father and his uncle, and the collateral damage includes a body count.

Marc stumbles upon Milt’s plan to manipulate Marc’s budding abilities to steal his way to riches and kill anyone who crosses him. Forced to make a desperate plea to his uncle Lester, Marc discovers his uncle believes he can cure his own insanity by killing Marc (I feel like a little too much plot is going on here. These are great subplots and such, but I think we got off track from the original soulmate solution. Consider getting rid of one or both of these. I don’t think you even need this paragraph necessarily.).

To save himself, Marc must outsmart Milt, defeat an uncle more dangerous than crazy, and find his soulmate before the family curse claims another victim.

Just some surface-level stuff here. You’ve got a plot-solid query. Some tweaking will really make it shine. Good luck!

Query Critique #22: KNIGHT

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

The world is in chaos.Humanity no longer exists. Only A Knight could save us (This is more a logline that would go on a book cover. Your query letter starts in the next paragraph.)

It was The year is (You always talk in present-tense in query letters.) 2045. New World, Africa and Europe were the competitors compete for survival. They went to lengths to destroy each other. The New World was in the backhand, they realized the asset Private Sanders was. He went to Africa for his first mission- kill civilians.  He gained some quick kills but it overturned as they captured him.

He was saved by the New World  in a rescue op. He missed fragments of his memories and left to connect the dots all by himself. The fragments had the potential to thwart the New World from survival. The space shuttle launched for Titan crashed as a result of third party interference. Hopes of survival crashed along with it. The re-emergence of another enemy tightens their woes. Will he battle for good? Or Will humanity plunge into extinction by 2048? (Don’t end with questions!)

I am seeking representation for my debut (What’s the age range? Is this Adult? Young Adult?) Science Fiction novel, “Knight” KNIGHT at 60,000 (This is fairly short for a scifi novel.) words. Given your specialties and clientele, this project would be apt for your list. I hope to hear from you soon!

I saved the majority of my comments for down here, mostly because I think your query letter is very bare bones and could use some fattening up. The sweet spot for query letters is 250 words and yours is waaay below that.

Furthermore, the explanation of this future world is confusing with a new entity called “New World.” Considering 2045 is less than thirty years away, consider explaining this country more.

An explanation of your main character is also necessary. Suddenly “Private Sanders” is thrown in as an asset, but we know nothing about him: age, personality, etc. Consider giving him his own introduction sentence, not bogged down by world building.

Finally, I’m not sure what the plot of the book is by basis of this query letter. At first it seems like Private Sanders is going to have a pivotal role. Then he’s captured, then a space shuttle crushes and becomes the main character for the rest of the query letter.

My advice is to take a look at your story and outline the most important plot points. Then work those into a query letter. Best of luck to you!

Query Critique #21: PULLING ME BACK IN

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

Blending two timelines (“Timelines” threw me off a bit. It could be the word choice or it might me. You might not even need to mention the blending of two timelines because that’s not entirely clear from the rest of the query. But if you think it’s necessary, consider something like Alternating between past and present, or something like that.), PULLING ME BACK IN (Great title!) is New Adult women’s fiction with romantic elements, complete at 87,000 words.

GWEN PRESCOTT Gwen Prescott (You don’t need all caps for queries, just synopses.) thought she had her life had her life figured out by the age of eight: she would marry her best friend, JEFF CRAWFORD Jeff Crawford, and work as a museum curator. However, after a steamy teenage affair that caused her to rebel against her parents (Why did it cause her to rebel? Who was the steamy affair with? Jeff?) and put up with Jeff sleeping around (How would an affair make her put up with that? Are they more than friends?), her world collapsed (This seems a little cliché.) when he ran away from home and never contacted her again –and her (This implies that he never contacted her again without coming out and saying so.).

Now aged twenty-four, Gwen works at a gallery in NYC (Instead of “works,” could you be more specific? What’s her exact position?), well on her way close to achieving her lifelong ambition (I think “goal” or “dream” might work better. “Ambition” is just like drive or motivation.). She’s convinced herself her love for Jeff was an illusion, an unhealthy fixation fueled by hormones and adolescent fantasies, yet she’s still unable to let go. (I think you should combine the first and second sentences and cut the “ambition” altogether. It is clear from the second paragraph that her goal is to work as a museum curator and she’s well on her way. Plus, combining the two sentences helps with flow. For example, Now twenty-four, Gwen is a curator’s assistant (or whatever she happens to be) at a gallery in NYC and has convinced herself that her love for Jeff was an illusion, and unhealthy fixation… Just an idea. See if you like it!) A photo of Jeff in the newspaper announcing and his presence in the city stirs Gwen’s past feelings, and make her question whether she’s capable of being happy with anyone but him.

When Gwen sees Jeff again (Is this a chance meeting? Might want to describe this a little more), the sexual attraction that always drew her to him as a teen overwhelms her reignites, and past pain is put aside for the chance to be with him forgotten. But acting like the submissive girl she used to be once was risks puts her in danger of another broken heart., and She’ll have to choose whether to stay with him regardless of how much he can hurt her or fight against his pull and risk losing him forever. (This is a little convoluted for me. I think you need to clean it up and make the stakes hit home. The way it reads it sounds a little like Jeff is abusive. Here’s a suggestion: Gwen finds herself torn between staying with the man she loves and protecting her heart.)

PULLING ME BACK IN combines the flawed characters and messy relationships of an NA romance (Not all NA romance’s are messy so I think you can do without this.) with the complexity and sensibility of Emily Giffin (Is there a specific novel of hers you can point to?). This is my first novel. While it stands alone, I’m currently working on two related books. (Consider putting the first paragraph down here as well. That way all the information about the book is in the same place.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You’re off to a great start with your query letter. I think a little tweaking and delving into the plot more would make it perfect! If you make some changes and want me to take another look, feel free to send it my way! Best of luck with NoQS! 

Query Critique #20: AND EVERYTHING WASN'T

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ____,

16-year-old recluse, Ashter, is assaulted by guilt everywhere and every second of his existence. (I don’t think you need the rest of this sentence. The word “assaulted” clues the reader in that guilt is always hanging around Ashter, whether he likes it or not! Great verb choice, by the way!)

He has constant visions of his dead father (I’d consider saying “memories” instead of visions. It makes it seem like Asher has a special power.), every time he looks into the eyes of his only friend he dreads the fact he saved her from suicide (Why would he dread the fact that he saved her from suicide? Wouldn’t that be a good thing?), and he can hear the pain in others around him through his "hyperacusis" (What is hyperacusis?). Ashter wants nothing more thatn to escape people, his environment, his memories, and even his physical being.

A quick note on this paragraph. First, I would suggest bringing it up to the hook. That way it’s clear that this list are reasons why Ashter is assaulted by guilt.  One thing I wasn’t sure of is if Ashter has super powers or not. It seems so, the way you described him being able to hear the pain in others. But I think you might want to come out and make that a little clearer. Furthermore, I’m not sure why visions of his dead father would make him feel guilty—unless Ashter is the cause of his father’s death. If so, make sure you say so! Rule #1 in queries: no questions until the end! And the only real question an agent should be asking at the end is: how fast can I request this awesome book or how does this story wrap up, I’m dying to know!

After the death of his drug dealer, Ashter finds his relief in the form of through Bacchard, a guilt-ridden, drug-addled teen whose love for his vintage Polaroid is only rivaled by his constant need to remember (Remember what?).

When Ashter moves in with Bacchard and his fellow escapist, Adona, he finds an eternal haven from his former life-- except for threat the trio's unwilling drug dealer, and his strange little sister (This is a little confusing to me. So all three of these teens are on drugs. Why is an unwilling drug dealer a threat? And how does “his” (who is this “his”? Bacchard or Ashter?) strange little sister pose a threat?).

Throughout his chimerical odyssey, Ashter discovers boundless “friendship”, the world of the heroin, and the seemingly unconditional safety of escape. As reality thrashes against Ashter's new life, he descends deeper into mental disarray and into the perfect world he fought for. Will he be able to save his fantasy at all costs, or will he destroy himself trying?

AND EVERYTHING WASN'T, complete at 62,000 words (you round up and no parentheses!) (61,346 words) is a Young Adult Novel (Young Adult Novel isn’t a genre. It’s just a category (like adult or middle grade). Make sure you give the genre. I’m thinking Young Adult Contemporary from your query.) that is heavily psychological. The stream-of- consciousness narrative is comparable to that of WINTERGIRLS by Laurie Halse Anderson (Good comp!).

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

All right! We made it to the end! I have a few suggestions for you that I’m going to break down into a numerical format because it’s easier to read. Ready? Hope so!

1. I already mentioned it inline, but you need to make clear whether Ashter has special powers or not. It will change the entire mood of the query letter if he does.

2. I don’t see much by way of stakes. I see a bit where you mention the “drug dealer” but I’m not sure what threat he really poses to these kids. Try to make it a little clearer.

3. From the tone of your query, it sounds like you are abdicating for drug use in teenagers, that Ashter doesn’t want to (and will never) find freedom from drugs. I’m not huge into the contemporary genre, so don’t quote me. But if this is the case, you might struggle to find the right representation for this book. With the drug problems we have with kids now, agents might not want to lobby a book about teens escaping into drugs and never coming back. On the other hand, if that isn’t your intention and instead the challenge Ashter faces is to confront reality and overcome his guilt (and get off drugs), then I think you might want to make that end-goal a little clearer. It could also be part of the “stakes”!

Thanks for sharing your query with me. I wish you the best of luck!

Query Critique #19: TOBIN'S WINDOW

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear ____,

Tobin wanted to be normal. He wanted to make his accountant parents proud. More than anything, he wanted to have friends. But Tobin couldn’t focus on the world around him long enough to do any of those things. It would melt away and a new world would erupt from the depths of his mind. He’d be standing on an enormous white ship with blood-red sails. Thunder would roar from the dark sky above him and bolts of lightning would hammer the raging sea. In front of him, Captain Red Eye, his left eye glowing red, would be smiling cruelly, ready to steal Tobin’s soul.

Just as he began to find the willpower to control his tendency to daydream and ignore the call of the captain to battle, Tobin found himself standing in an underground room miles below his aunt’s house, staring at a window. He watched as green mist rose lazily from a small opening in the red-paneled window and knew that if he ventured through, his daydreams would soon become his reality. Tobin glanced up the endless stairwell he’d descended and shuddered as he reflected on the predictability of what awaited him if he turned back. Smiling, he reached out toward the window and pushed it open.

I didn’t make an inline comments in the first two paragraphs because I wanted to look at it as a whole. I don’t want to be the one to say this (because query letters are SO AGGRAVATING and PAINFUL to write), but what you have here isn’t a query letter. In fact, everything in the first two paragraphs could be condensed into one-two sentences, introducing Tobin and his daydreams. For example: Sixteen-year-old Tobin prefers his daydreams to reality, so when given the chance to permanently escape the real word through a window—he takes it.

After this, you would go into what the window is, talk about the conflict Tobin faces in this new world (i.e. Captain Red Eye) and the conflict (like trying to get home or having to defeat the Captain and save everyone aboard his ship).

Click HERE for a great breakdown of the query letter process. Make sure you check out Query Shark as well!

The 72,000 words of my young adult novel follow Tobin to a world beyond the window where he is the only one who can vanquish Captain Red Eye and free the hundreds souls the pirate has stolen. (You would’ve already explained this in the other paragraphs of the query letter).

 Here’s a reword of this paragraph and the paragraph following: TOBIN’S WINDOW (you put the title in all caps) is a young adult (what’s the genre? Fantasy? Scifi?) novel, complete at 72,000 words with sequel potential.

The Red Eye Series, Book 1: Tobin’s Window is my first novel. 

I’d be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon. 

 Regards,

You’ve got some good groundwork for this query letter. Keep up the hard work. I know you can get there! Other than my concerns mentioned inline, from the tone of your query, TOBIN’S WINDOW sounds more like an MG (middle grade) novel than a YA. Make sure you keep the voice age-appropriate in your query and also make sure that you’ve had at least one person read your book before you query!

 If you edit this query and would like me to take another look, please send it my way! Best of luck!