My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!
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Original Version (with comments):
Dear ____,
Espe, a town far from
civilization (This is fine the way it
is, but by changing a word or two you could really show an agent what Espe is
like. For example, Espe, a one-stoplight
town in the boondocks. See what I mean? But again, totally not necessary.
This is a good hook as it is!), may
seem to be a is the perfect chance to start over. But fifteen year
old Brian knows that moving in with his homicide detective father to one of the
Texas' most dangerous towns will only put him in more trouble.
Since Brian's
hostility lead to his mother's death (How? This is a question you’ll want to answer.), he has been fighting the monster inside him. Grief stricken and determined to prove that his
mother's death was not his fault, Brian finally lets frees the monster come out strong when a midnight graffiti
turns to a murder witness (Do you mean that he
witnesses a murder?). He agrees on helping
the murderer in all his crimes (Why does
he do this? It’s sort of clear in the next sentence that it’s so he can see who
might’ve been his mother’s killer. But couldn’t he have done that while working
with the police? Or snooping in his dad’s office? This is a point in your query
that you want to make SUPER clear. Since it’s Brian’s motivation.). It does not take him long to find criminals
with his father in their hate list which gives them potential to be his
mother's killer.
As he Brian dives into the bloody (Pick whatever word you want, but I think an adjective would
help to describe what kind of crimes Brian is committing. Jay-walking is
technically a crime ;) ) crimes and meanwhile
digs deep about the researches (I’m sure you
can find a better word for this! I just think the less words here the punchier
it will be!) criminals, nasty
secrets of the town’s dark history is revealed. His mother's death was an
accident, but the deaths that are to follow will be the consequences of his
misdeeds.
THE HEAVENS ABOVE is a
young adult mystery novel complete at 67,000 words. The first chapter is
included in the attachment below.
Thank you for your
time and consideration.
Sincerely,
You’ve got a very nice query letter
here! It’s almost perfect. The concept of THE HEAVENS ABOVE is very interesting.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a YA mystery novel quite like this one. When the protagonist is an anti-hero. Practically
antagonist, in fact. Great job with the original plot!
I don’t have much to say down here
since the majority of my comments are inline. But I do want to comment on the
last “plot” paragraph. One thing that this query letter is missing are stakes.
Is Brian in danger of getting caught by the police? If he doesn’t keep helping
the criminals will he be killed too? Does he have a change of heart? Does he
have to make a major decision that’s going to impact the rest of his life?
I’m not 100% sure what your book is
about, but those are just guesses. The “stakes” are basically what the
character stands to lose.
You could definitely “beef” this
query up a little more with plot. When I pasted it into MS word it came it at
196 words. The best place to be is around 250 words. So you can stand to plug
in some more details!
Best wishes with your query letter!
If you want me to take another look at any of your edits, just ask :)
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