Query Critique #22: KNIGHT

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

The world is in chaos.Humanity no longer exists. Only A Knight could save us (This is more a logline that would go on a book cover. Your query letter starts in the next paragraph.)

It was The year is (You always talk in present-tense in query letters.) 2045. New World, Africa and Europe were the competitors compete for survival. They went to lengths to destroy each other. The New World was in the backhand, they realized the asset Private Sanders was. He went to Africa for his first mission- kill civilians.  He gained some quick kills but it overturned as they captured him.

He was saved by the New World  in a rescue op. He missed fragments of his memories and left to connect the dots all by himself. The fragments had the potential to thwart the New World from survival. The space shuttle launched for Titan crashed as a result of third party interference. Hopes of survival crashed along with it. The re-emergence of another enemy tightens their woes. Will he battle for good? Or Will humanity plunge into extinction by 2048? (Don’t end with questions!)

I am seeking representation for my debut (What’s the age range? Is this Adult? Young Adult?) Science Fiction novel, “Knight” KNIGHT at 60,000 (This is fairly short for a scifi novel.) words. Given your specialties and clientele, this project would be apt for your list. I hope to hear from you soon!

I saved the majority of my comments for down here, mostly because I think your query letter is very bare bones and could use some fattening up. The sweet spot for query letters is 250 words and yours is waaay below that.

Furthermore, the explanation of this future world is confusing with a new entity called “New World.” Considering 2045 is less than thirty years away, consider explaining this country more.

An explanation of your main character is also necessary. Suddenly “Private Sanders” is thrown in as an asset, but we know nothing about him: age, personality, etc. Consider giving him his own introduction sentence, not bogged down by world building.

Finally, I’m not sure what the plot of the book is by basis of this query letter. At first it seems like Private Sanders is going to have a pivotal role. Then he’s captured, then a space shuttle crushes and becomes the main character for the rest of the query letter.

My advice is to take a look at your story and outline the most important plot points. Then work those into a query letter. Best of luck to you!