Query Critique #7: INGRID BAKER’S ALTERNATE ENDING

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear,

When her dead father is linked to a missing actress, a lonely tenth grader heads to New York to find the parallel world they’re hiding out in. At least that’s the story she’s telling people. (I don’t think you need this line. The first sentence of the next paragraph is your real hook!)

Things have gone down the toilet since Ingrid’s physicist dad was murdered presumed dead last year. (Love! It’s hard to come up with a stellar first sentence, and you definitely have one here!) Her mom won’t eat, her best friend won’t talk to her (What does this have to do with her dad dying? Don’t best friends usually get closer when one of them is going through a difficult time? You may want to throw in a few words that explain this a little more.), and she’s at a new school where classes feel like they’re for convicts (Could you cut a few words from this to simplify it? It could be a lot punchier. Like, “her new school is full of soon-to-be convicts.” I’m sure you can think of something better!), not ordinary tenth graders. When her Physics teacher assigns a group project, loner Ingrid teams up (Does her teacher assign the groups? From “team up” I’m getting an eager feeling on Ingrid’s part instead of chagrin. Just want to be sure that’s what you’re going for!) with Will, the new guy at school with a mysterious past, and Nadia, the quiet girl with a past written on the bathroom walls (Love this. It’s so hard to “show” and not “tell” in a query letter—you pulled it off splendidly!).

Inspired by her dad’s disappearance, Ingrid suggests parallel worlds as their project topic. She tells Will and Nadia her father is missing,—not dead,—and that his disappearance is linked to the headline news of the day, missing actress, Claire Harlow (Here things start to get very confusing. I think you might want to put some more information about her dad’s disappearance in the first paragraph. Maybe in the first line, so all of the “parallel world” information doesn’t seem to come out of nowhere). Ingrid isn’t totally talking crazy. She really did find something connecting her dad to Claire Harlow (What is the “something”? The only point you want agents asking questions in your query letter is at the end. And that should be: what happens next? Or how fact can I ask for a request?!). But her lie balloons (She was lying? I really thought there were parallel worlds in your story and that her father was kidnapped to one of them. You might want to make it clear that she was lying to Will and Nadia upfront) as their complicated friendship deepens grows. By the time the three of them sneak off to New York to hunt down a wormhole for their project, Ingrid is worried that the truth will turn her relationships - with her new friends and her dead father (How does she have a relationship with her dead father?)– on their head.

INGRID BAKER’S ALTERNATE ENDING is a 75k word contemporary YA novel with elements of science (without being science fiction) and mystery that would appeal to fans of Jasmine Warga’s MY HEART AND OTHER BLACK HOLES and Stephanie Tromly’s TROUBLE IS A FRIEND OF MINE. I am a writer living in Toronto, Canada (You probably don’t need to say this unless it relates to your book.). I’ve included the first 500 words below as per your guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall, I think the first paragraph of your query letter is really strong. It just needs some tweaking as far as wording is concerned. The second paragraph is a little messier. I think it would help if you put more information regarding Nadia’s father’s death/disappearance in the first paragraph, as well as making it clear that parallel universes is a lie Nadia cooked up. At the end of the query letter, I’m still not sure if her dad was sent to a parallel universe or exactly what happened. That being said, this sounds like a really unique concept that I haven’t read before. Reorganize the second paragraph, and I think you’ll have a stellar query letter on your hands! Feel free to send the edits back for a second look. Good luck!