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Original Version (with comments):
Dear Agent,
Based on your interest
in fantasy novels, I’m pleased to introduce (or you could say, “I’m pleased to submit for
consideration”) THE PENDRAGON’S SON, an adult fantasy complete at 111,000 words. Prince Vaeldhei, the son of King Arthur
and apprentice to Merlin, battles to change the tragic prophecy ruling the life
of his misguided half-brother, Mordred (I’m not 100% sure you need this sentence. Why not jump straight
into the query letter?).
Prince
Vaeldhei, an apprentice wizard,
wants nothing more than recognition from his father, King Arthur (I think you could actually get rid of this name.
Vaeldhei is a prince in Camelot and the title is THE PENDRAGON’S SON. I think
an agent can connect the dots ;) Plus it would cut out a name in the very first
sentence, which kind of bogs the hook down. Just an idea!), and a place in Camelot. When his unwelcome
half-brother Mordred arrives, Vaeldhei seizes the opportunity to make his mark
in Camelot by helping Mordred , despite the stigma attached to his name. The
dire prophecy surrounding Mordred is (maybe “an infamous legend” or something like that. To make it sound
more dire and mysterious) known
throughout the land—Mordred is destined to ignite a war that causes the
destruction of King Arthur’s kingdom. No one dares
question the finality of his fate, except for Vaeldhei. (I don’t see how helping Mordred would help
Vaeldhei make a positive mark on Camelot. In fact, I could see how it would
make King Arthur very unhappy haha. Does Vaeldhei have a different motivation
you could draw from? Maybe since Mordred doesn’t have a place in Camelot or recognition
from his father, Vaeldhei thinks they could find it together? Or he feels sympathy
for Mordred and wants to help? Just a thought.)
Realizing there must be
a catalyst to spark change, Vaeldhei thrusts himself into the fierce battle for
Camelot’s future. Though King Arthur and Mordred are
both set on their dark path, Vaeldhei interferes (How does he interfere? One thing you don’t want in query letters is
to have agents asking questions. How the book ends and what happens next—yes.
How characters get from point A to point B—no), vowing to protect his broken family and his kingdom. However,
provoking fate may prove fatal for the naive prince (I think you could make this sentence pack even
more of a punch. Like maybe fate can’t be changed and Vaeldhei will be caught
in its vengeful crosshairs. Or something like that! I’m sure you can think of
something better).
An excerpt from THE
PENDRAGON’S SON received Superior Awards from the Association of Christian
Schools International (ACSI) Creative Writing Contest and the ACSI Regional
Creative Writing Festival (Congratulations!). It will appeal to fans of Arthurian tales such
as Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon and George R.R.
Martin's Game of Thrones series.
I have a minor in
Literature from Richard Stockton College of NJ, as well as a Bachelor's degree
in Psychology, and three Associate's degrees. Currently, I am a Dental
Hygienist, and I live in Pennsylvania with my husband, my books, and my
reptiles (I’ve heard a lot of
things regarding author bios. The rule of thumb is to only add pertanant
information that actually applies to your book. For example, I’d cut the other
degree and your occupation, instead keeping the minor in Literature and how
that experience prepared you for an Arthurian retelling).
I’d be happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Final thoughts:
One thing that you really need to ensure is
that your query letter stands out and screams to an agent, “PICK ME!” Of
course, this is something every query letter should do, but since you’re doing
a retelling that has been retold many times over, you have to show an agent how
different your book is from everything out there. I think you’ve done a good
job of that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a retelling told from King Arthur’s
son before—or Mordred trying to avoid his fate!! You just need to hone the
Prince’s motivation, since that’s what the plot is hinged on. Throw in a bit
more information in the third paragraph and I think you’ve got yourself an
awesome letter! Good luck!
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