Classics Challenge: "Lorna Doone"

As I admitted mid-month, I've given up on "Lorna Doone." It was just too painful.
Click here to see the post in which I complained and ultimately returned this classic.
Hoping for better things in July!

Query Critique #14: ALLEY 187 WEST

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Whitney Lee

The Fielding Agency (Unless you’re snail-mailing this query letter, you don’t need to have this information or the address you listed in your signature line, which I removed for anonymity.)


Dear __________,

My 114,000-word novel (Red flags go up here. This is a pretty hefty word count for a debut novel as well as a typical adult novel. A fantasy you might be able to get away with this, but a Romance/Thriller I’m not so sure. You could still get requests as is, but I want to warn you that agents might be wary.), Alley 187 West ALLEY 187 WEST (Titles get all CAPS.), is an Adult Romance/Thriller (You might want to pick one. Romance and thriller are very different genres. After reading your query and coming back to this section, you may want to say something like, “is an Adult Thriller with romantic undertones” or something like that.) about the struggles of two lost souls in search of freedom and redemption (Not sure you need this summary, but it’s up to you!).

Successful, yet jaded homicide cop (Stellar! I already have a feel for this O’Donnel!), Detective Daniel O’Donnell is tired (I’m hooked. But you might want to add a few more words saying what he’s tired of.). The only thing preventing Danny from quitting the force and moving into the private security sector is the one unsolved case he cannot let go offorget—the brutal torture and murder of an innocent young girl. Danny’s inability to pass relinquish the case on to another cop springs from his overwhelming need for redemption for a failing which led to the deaths of his true love and their unborn daughters (This sentence is a lot to digest at once. Consider shortening the sentence and making it punchier. This is a big reveal and a huge motivation for Danny. Something like, “Danny’s inability to relinquish the case stems from the deaths of his family. Deaths he is responsible for.” You could think of something better. That’s just an example.). Danny’s quest to find redemption and thus shed the crushing guilt demands that he bring justice to young Shawna Browne.

His search for the killer brings a beautiful, young woman into Danny’s life (Why? How does she become involved with him?). Cecelia, a magnetic soul from the projects, is trapped by circumstances and a love-struck and powerful mob boss in the ugly world of high-end Escorts (This sentence is another mouthful. Try to prune it down to the necessities.). Danny’s further quest for redemption leads him to help CC escape her horrid life, but something unexpected complicates his mission (Queries focus on one main plot point. You have to decide if it’s Danny solving the murder or freeing CC.). An unlikely and unwanted love blossoms between the two.

Like Danny, CC has her own dark secrets (Is your story dual POV? Because that’s what I’m getting from this query letter.). She has the ability to bring down one of the most powerful men in Washington and the ultra-violent mob boss she is beholden to. It is only after she disappears into her new life that her benefactor/handler Mob boss, Anthony DeMarco becomes aware of the enormous danger CC poses to their very freedom. While Danny and CC struggle to make their complex relationship work, the mob has set to tracking her down and destroying the vital evidence she possesses (This paragraph is pretty confusing to me. I thought the book was focusing on Danny’s solving a case that would give him redemption for the loss of his family. Why is CC bringing down a mob boss the focus point? You might want to show how these two plot points tie together.).

The final, deadly struggle for CC’s safety leads the two worlds (What two worlds?) to collide head on with lethal consequences (Which are?). Will Danny be able to save CC before the mob takes away his love? His life-saving salvation (Big no, no! Never end with a question! You want the agents to be asking the questions, not you :) )?

Several chapters of my unpublished  (If it’s on a website, it’s technically published.) nonfiction work have appeared on various websites devoted to furthering investigations into, and the understanding of, unsolved homicides (I think you need a few words describing how you were able to write these essays, as in your experience. Which then should also tie in to your knowledge to write this book.). These chapters have been reworked to function as stand-alone essays.

In keeping with your submission policies, I’m attaching the first 10 pages from this work.


Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

Okay! And here we are at the end. Let me make a nice little list for you. It makes things easier to read!

1. When I pasted your query letter into MS word, it totaled at approximately 371 words. The sweet spot for a query is 250 – 300 words. You definitely need to do some pruning. Analyze your query to see what’s essential and what isn’t. There are places where words can be removed to make the writing punchier, as well as lower your word count!

2. CC is throwing a wrench in things. As I stated above, there should be one main plot point throughout your query letter. You have two. You’re going to need to decide which plot takes preeminence. The other is a subplot. Furthermore, this might be a warning sign for you. Usually writing a query letter is a good way to test the weak spots in a manuscript. The vibe I’m getting from your query is that you have two major plots competing for dominance which might be a problem, coupled with your very big word count. Make sure you have a beta reader check out your MS before querying. It helps so much (which I can say from experience!).

3. Your second paragraph where the summary began was great. Start there and see if you can’t tighten the rest of your query letter.

Don’t get discouraged with all the red. It’s a good thing! It means you’ve got a piece of coal that, with a little bit of pressure and time, will turn into a valuable diamond. If you are satisfied with my critique and want me to take another look after a round of edits, feel free to send it my way again.

Good luck with this! You’ve got an intriguing thriller on your hands!

How I Got My Agent

This is a post that, at my darkest moments, I never thought I would write. 
This is a post that, at my most hopeful moments, I only dreamed about.
But here I am, sitting in front of my computer, fingers clicking away at the keys, a smile on my face, telling you lovely blog readers...

I GOT AN AGENT.

To those of you who are reading this post, jealousy twisting your hearts, I've been where you are. I know. I know how hard it is, how discouraging, how depressing. Especially when reading success stories. 

Don't. You. Dare. Give. Up.

To show you how much I do understand, here's some background information.
I signed with my agent for THESE WICKED WATERS. My fourth book. That's right. I wrote four books and queried three of them (one was a sequel) before I found an agent. I'm talking over 150 query letters and subsequent rejections.
That doesn't even count the queries I sent out for THESE WICKED WATERS. 
(Hint: here comes the actual How I Got My Agent story.)
Back in June 2015, after winning a few contests, I sent 53 query letters for TWW. Of those, I received the following:
Partial Requests: 1 Partial Upgraded to Full: 1 Full Requests: 1 Rejections: 51
...Or so I thought.
The usual policy with agents is that if you don't hear back in four weeks or so, the answer is "no." I'd closed out all my outstanding query letters and retreated from the front lines. I knew TWW was The One. The truth of it resounded in my bones. But I realized it needed work. And maybe my query letter did too.
I let TWW sit. For almost a year. In the meantime I wrote two other books and focused on this blog. Finally, early this year, I came back to TWW and began a massive rewrite that took months.
The day after I finished my overhaul (June 8), an email pinged my inbox. It was an agent, asking to see the full of TWW, from a query I sent a year ago. I did some hurried proofreading and sent off the full a day later, not expecting much. 
Okay, to be honest I was expecting something: A Rejection.
On the evening of June 15 I got another email. I was sitting at my desk at work, eating dinner with my sister. My phone vibrated. I opened the message, already brushing off the "Unfortunately this isn't what we're looking for." 
When my gaze reached the, "I really enjoyed your book" sentence, I leapt out of my chair. I didn't even read the rest of the email! I started squealing, pacing around my--thankfully empty!--office, babbling nonsense while my sister read the rest of the email. Once sufficiently calmed down, I hurried back to my desk and read the message in a daze.
An agent liked my book!
An agent wanted to talk to me!
To me!
I was shaking. I was so happy tears threatened. I was disgustingly sweaty with nerves. I had no idea what to do with myself. I called my family, told my closest friends. It took me a literal hour to relax enough to think clearly enough to email the agent back.
Things moved quickly at this point. I set up The Call (or so I hoped), accepted her offer of representation, and ok'ed the agent-author contract.
So, now, in as much disbelief as I was when I first got that email, I can say:
Hello. I'm Emily Layne, represented by Becky LeJeune of Bond Literary Agency.
I can't wait to share this process with you guys. This is a phase of the writing world that is brand new to me. I hope we can learn together! Thank you for sticking with me in the querying trenches. Through the ups. And the downs. You're all so wonderful, and I don't deserve you.
Now, how about some help thinking of a new slogan? I'm no longer "a young adult writer braving the slushpile." 
...Am I?

Query Critique #13: THE STARLIGHT CROWN

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear __________,

16-year-old Eden has always dreamed of life among the stars, and when she’s chosen to compete in the Miss Universe pageant, her wish has come true (Fantastic opening. Right from the beginning I’m given a bit of Eden’s personality, her goals, and that this book is probably a sci-fi novel! Stellar!). But her fight for the title won’t just determine who wins a crown – it will decide the fate of a galaxy on the brink of war (LOVE! I’m hooked.).

For Eden, Miss Universe is a chance to explore a galaxy forbidden to Earth for centuries (I’m a little confused here. You started to talk about the contest being more than a contest. I was expecting a little more explanation. If you decide to keep this, consider explaining why the galaxy has been forbidden to Earth. Save the unexplained plot bits for the end!). For her new friends, it’s their only hope of escape from a tyrannical theocracy, an apartheid state, or a dying home world (I love that you’re giving all the girls a deeper reason for being in the pageant. Makes me love them all already!). With a promise to unite their fractured solar system no matter who wins, the girls enter the pageant’s labyrinthine compound on the Moon (Neat!), where one of them will become the official ambassador for peace in a bright new era. Or so they believe (Uh oh!).

(I wanted to pause here to say a few things about Paragraph 2. You did an amazing job with #1. You drew me in flawlessly. When I hit #2, things come to a screeching halt and got a little confusing. I think some rewording would definitely help here. Consider continuing in the vein of the pageant deciding the fate of a galaxy. Something like:

“The girls enter the pageant’s labyrinthine compound on the Moon, where one of them will become the official ambassador for peace in a bright new era. Or so they believe. For Eden, Miss Universe is a chance to explore an unknown galaxy. For her new friends, it’s their only hope of escaping a tyrannical theocracy, an apartheid state, or a dying home world.”

I’m sure you can think of something better. But for me this seems to flow a bit better. You had all the pieces, I think they just needed to be rearranged.)

Behind the glitz and glamor, this pageant is far from the beauty contest its organizers advertised (Show how the contest isn’t as advertised. Maybe something like, “Behind the glitz and glamor, this pageant hides a dark secret.” See what I mean?). By day, hopefuls for the crown learn decorum and diplomacy; by night, they train in elemental arts both dazzling and dangerous. The appearance of Toru, son of Earth’s leader, doesn’t make things any easier for Eden – especially since her interest in him jeopardizes her place in the contest (Why is the appearance of Toru such a big deal? Does Eden know him from before? Without giving a bit of background or why’s, the danger of Toru seems to fall flat.).

But when disqualified contestants start disappearing before they can return home, Eden and her friends suspect there’s a more sinister purpose to this contest than choosing a beauty queen. With the help of a mysterious ally (Who’s the mysterious ally? No secrets except the ending, remember!), they learn that hidden within these the labyrinth’s walls is the real reason they were brought here: a weapon more powerful than any this solar system has ever known (Show us the power. Is it able to destroy a planet? Wipe out a population with one shot?), and one which can only be used by a daughter of the world it came from (I’d suggest making this its own sentence to keep in punchy: “And can only be used by the daughter of the world that created it.”).

She’s the one many have died to protect. The one many more would kill to find. The one who will become Miss Universe – and whoever she is, she’ll hold the fate of the universe in her hands (This is a super cool ending. I adore it. I’m just a little confused as to how the contest will reveal which girl it is and why the leaders didn’t just kidnap the right girl and make her use the weapon.).

Complete at 80,000 words, THE STARLIGHT CROWN (Beautiful title!) is a YA sci-fi that will appeal to fans of Marissa Meyer’s Cinder and Victoria Aveyard’s Red Queen, (Marvelous comps!) and is the first in a planned series.

Wow. Okay, I know there is a lot of red in this query letter. But let me tell you right now, I want to read this book. Desperately. It’s so differently from any scifi I’ve seen on the shelves lately. I think an agent will feel the same. It’s like The Selection, in space, with a much cooler end-prize.  While I do think you might be able to get an agent with this based on the idea alone, I think making the query letter shine would garner you a lot more requests (In fact, I’m kind of jealous of your idea, haha!). I don’t have much to say down here that I didn’t say inline. Keep an eye on your word count for your query. It totaled at 344 words. It’s not a huge deal, but keeping things succinct and snappy is always important. I don’t have much else to say in this section. Other than lots of compliments of course, haha.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Furthermore, if you make changes and want me to take another look, feel free to send it my way. Good luck! I hope to see THE STARLIGHT CROWN on bookshelves soon.

Third Time's the Charm

For me, 2016 has been the Year of Editing. If it was like the Chinese Calendar, for every month, instead of an animal, picture a dripping red pen.
Since we're almost to July (I can't believe it!), I'm considering myself a Seven-Month Expert when it comes to book editing. And I've decided to share my tips with you.

If you couldn't tell by the title, there's only three. I like to keep things short, simple, but effective.
1. Go traditional. Edit on your computer first. Do all the major rewrites, sentence tweaking, and flow-fixing.
2. Audiobook it. There are a bunch of programs online where you can transform your words into audio--yay for the digital age! My favorites are the ones that you can download the mp3's and put them on your phone, iPod, what have you. Listen to your words aloud with a notepad (or the word doc) handy so you jot down thoughts.
3. Hardcopy, for the win! Printing your book out, or putting it on your Kindle/tablet is a great way to pick up final typos that you missed by going through #1 and #2. A post I did earlier shows how to get your book formatted for kindle. Or, if you have a tablet, keep it simple and open the document in MS Word, reader mode!
Happy editing!

p.s. I have an exciting announcement coming next Tuesday. Prepare to be blown away!!!

Query Critique #12: DARKNESS AND THE CITY

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear ________,

John Gauss (Consider throwing one or two adjectives that describe John, that are distinctive to his character. That way, in the very important intro sentence, he doesn’t come off flat.), an agent with the National Intelligence Agency Agent (I’m just trying to cut down words. This is a pretty long first sentence!), witnesses the murder and subsequent revenge killing (Ooh!) of the leaders of Red Scar and then Avarcon leaders—the two most powerful secret societies in the world—in two back-to-back spying missions. It becomes clear after the assassinations that a city-wide underworld war in London, the current capital of the post-apocalyptic superpower, is inevitable (Why does it become clear? Could you try to show this in a single sentence?). Five years ago, this is the same kind of conflict that five years ago left Edinburgh destroyed decimated (strong adjectives are vital!) in after a nuclear explosion (I think you could cut the previous sentence that mentions London being the capital. This sentence shows what you were telling.). While piecing together information on underworld (Do you mean underground?) activity obtained mainly via remote surveillance, John and his team come across uncover a plan to break thirteen thousands of prisoners out of an underwater prison, by Dark Crescent—the terrorist organisation that thirty years earlier destroyed the economies of all the major world powers in a synchronized global terrorist attack.

The discovery of Dark Crescent’s plans suddenly puts thrusts John and his team in the middle of two massive threats to national security—a potential war between Avarcon and Red Scar, and the global threat by Dark Crescent. In order To stop these organisations from wreaking havoc on the country and the current prospering world, the team led by John’s team must maintain its focus even as an unexpected romantic relationship develops between John and Susan (This kind of comes from out of nowhere. You might want to mention Susan earlier before she becomes a “romantic interest.”), a female teammate (I think this is clear by the name “Susan” ;) ), threatening to derail the mission (I love a good romance story! You do a great job of showing the stakes. Well done!).

Darkness and the City DARKNESS AND THE CITY is a story set in the year 2100 (I think you might want to mention the year is 2100 in the first sentence of your query letter), and it examines from different points of view the issue of government surveillance of suspicious private organisations and organisation’s the right to privacy. The novel is speculative fiction with a blend of thriller and mystery (Don't forget to mention the age-range: adults, young adult, middle grade. I'm assuming it's adult, but it's always best to come right out and say so.), and it is complete at 88,000 words.

Please see the sample chapters of my manuscript below the query letter. Thank you very much for your time.

Yours Sincerely,

You’ve got the makings of a very great query letter. The vital elements are included, such as the main character, the antagonist, and the stakes. Fantastic job here! There are a few things that I would suggest adding/editing:

1. Show John’s personality. As the query reads, he’s a cut-and-dry FBI-ish operative that’s just like every other FBI-ish operative we’ve seen on TV and read about in books. What makes him different? A good place to squeeze this in is in the first sentence as I suggested. Also, if you decide to keep the romance angle in, use the way he deals with Susan to show his personality. Is he by the book? Sacrificing love to follow the rules? Or does he toss the world to the fire and love Susan despite everything?

2. Keep things short and snappy. Throughout your query letter there are spots where words could be cut or moved around to shorten long sentences. Long sentences spread out are fine, but there were quite a few after another. That makes for hard readability. Mix things up!

3. Descriptive adjectives and verbs are a must! Comb through your writing and check to make sure you’re using the best descriptor you can—especially when it comes to verbs. It makes your writing more colorful and pop!

Other than my three big suggestions, you’re well on your way! Make some tweaks and feel free to send your query letter back to me. I’d be happy to take a second look! Your concept is really interesting. I love the idea of a futuristic agency and an underground war. VERY cool. Good luck with this query letter. You’re almost ready for agents!!!

Classics Challenge: Mid-Month Update

That's it. I can't do it. I just can't.
I can't read another word of Lorna Doone. This is worse than Pride & Prejudice. No lie.
Check out the first sentence of this book...
"If anybody cares to read a simple tale told simply, I, John Ridd, of the parish of Oare, in the country of Somerset, yeoman and churchwarden, have seen and had a share in some doings of this neighborhood, which I will try to set down in order, God sparing my life and memory."
...So, what do you think? Just a word of caution: the entire book is written like this. I can understand, completely, why Lorna Doone is now out of print. I got to the 56th page (I think), and I have given up. It's too painful to read. Especially after the amazingness that is Gone With the Wind. 

John Ridd is an annoying main character, the writing is very lackluster, and the characters speak in a challenging dialect. When Ridd's father was killed, I had no sympathy for him, and I'm a very caring person. It was that bad.
I'll still do an end-of-the-month post for Lorna Doone, but it will just be a link referring readers back here. I've sealed the I'm-not-reading-anymore deal by returning the book back to the library.
Count June's Classic as an epic, epic failure.
Alas!

A Texan Time

Last weekend I spent four days in Texas with half of my family. If you recall from the news, U.S. residents, the Lone Star state flooded with the amount of rain it received. Luckily, it only really rained the first day we were there.

The one big thing that stood out to me was San Antonio's crazy road system. Ever heard of turnarounds? I certainly haven't, having spent the majority of my life on the east coast (except for that two-year stint in Colorado). It made navigating a challenge, but my mom and I made a great team in our snazzy rental car. She was the driver, and I was the copilot. The GPS was our first in command.

My two favorite places, both inspiring in their own way, was the Japanese Tea Garden and Enchanted Rock. There's a lot of history behind both places. If you are interested from the below pictures, I strongly encourage you to research on your own.

In San Antonio I learned a lot of things. 
1. I love the country. As interesting as the city was (there are HUGE shopping centers every three miles, I swear), when we drove out of the city limits and hit ranch-country...that's where I really started to love Texas.
2. Hotels can turn off smoke alarms remotely (attribute this knowledge to a certain burned bagel). Wouldn't that perk be nice to have at home when the alarms go off at 2 AM?
3. Airports will never be magical. After being stuck at San Antonio International for six hours because of delayed flight, I'm not to keen on air travel. For now, anyway.
4. As much as I adored Texas, there's nothing quite like home. Or, more specifically, familiarity. 
Until my next adventure!

Query Critique #11: WORKING TITLE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear ________,

Clumsy, introverted (Stellar job starting with some descriptors of your MC! That said, the adjectives you chose could describe almost every main character in the YA genre. Consider looking at Elizabeth’s personality or hobbies, and see what makes her stand out. Then use that to describe her.) Elizabeth Hofsky watched her twin sister, Brianna, abruptly (this adverb takes away from the punch of “die”) die (Could you consider explaining this a little more? How did Brianna die? The only questions you want an agent to have is how the story ends!) right in front of her eyes. Even almost exactly a year later, Elizabeth still feels disoriented by the fragility of her vibrant twins’ life.

Which is why, wWhen Elizabeth flees (Why is she fleeing? Are her parents not getting along? Is her home life messy? Are there too many memories of her sister? The word seems out of place in the sentence without an explanation) for college, she hopes that she can start fresh. But while a (Here would be a great place to put in some details about what Elizabeth is running from) At first it seems like life might actually be back to like life is back to normal, but Elizabeth soon begins to unravel at the seams. She faces the typical freshman turbulence of difficult classes, an intimidating mentor, a cute RA, a backstabbing roommate, and quirky parents (after everything listed, the “quirky parents” is kind of a climatic downer haha. Do you have a better adjective to describe her parents? Something a little punchier?), but none of these challenges compare to the heartache she buries deep inside of her (What heartache?).

The novel delves into Elizabeth’s disastrous first semester in college, but simultaneously tells the story of Brianna’s traumatic death and the first twelve months Elizabeth endured without her twin. This allows for the novel to explore the true meaning of ‘starting fresh’. (This is the point in your query letter where you would list the title of your book, the genre, and the word count. You don’t need to summarize what the book is about. You show that bit.)

And… the end!

You are on the right track with this query letter. The problem that stood out to me right away was word count. Your query letter is 150 words. The “sweet spot” for query letters is 250-300 words. Your query is very bare bones. You could stand to add 100 words or so. The query letter is also missing some of the book-wide conflict. Is the entirety of it about Elizabeth coping with her sister’s death and moving on? If so, make sure you write that out (without coming out and saying so. Difficult, no? Haha.). Another aspect that is missing are the stakes. What does Elizabeth stand to lose that propels her to keep pushing forward?

This is a great start—don’t stop now! Make some changes and add some more meat to this query. Then, if you like, send it my way again for another look. Good luck!

Classics Challenge: R.D. Blackmore

"Because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing?" ~R.D. Blackmore
R.D. Blackmore, or should I say Richard Doddridge Blackmore, could rival Charles Dickens in the hair department. Look at those sideburns!

If you're thinking to yourself, who is R.D. Blackmore? rest at ease. You're not the only one who hasn't heard of him. Though Blackmore was popular in the nineteenth century, today his work is largely ignored, apart from Lorna Doone, which has recently gone out of publication (the only copy I could find was at a college library!).

Blackmore was born on June 7, 1825. He grew up in the countryside of Exmoor, the setting of his most famous work, Lorna Doone. After receiving his primary education, he attended Exeter College where he began penning his first novel, The Maid of Sker. 

Before he ventured into book-publishing, Blackmore sold collections of poetry. Lorna Doone, his third novel, was the most successful. In fact, it established him as one of the most popular British novelists of the time. Lorna Doone reshaped the idea of romantic fiction in English literature.

Blackmore died on January 20, 1900.

Writerly Things to Learn from R.D. Blackmore

1. You can't decide which book of yours becomes the most popular. Lorna Doone was Blackmore's least favorite work, but it's the only one popular enough today to be remembered! He considered The Maid of Sker to be his best work--but when's the last time you saw that on a bookshelf?
2. Fame doesn't last forever. Though Blackmore was popular in his day, the same can't be said for now. Lorna Doone and Jane Eyre were the two books most read by British ladies in the late nineteenth century. But Lorna Doone, unlike Jane Eyre, has faded into obscurity.
3. A small, close group of friends isn't a bad thing. Neighbors claimed Blackmore was reclusive and unsociable, but he just had a select number of friends. This allowed him to spend his energies on his fruit growing and his books. See, anti-social isn't necessarily a bad thing!