WOTP: Michael Eigbadon, Adult Thriller Author

Lucky for us, January has five Tuesdays in it! So say hello to the final querying writer in my Wielders of the Pen series: Michael Eigbadon. I had the privilege of critiquing Michael's query letter and a few chapters of his novel. He possesses a wealth of imagination that makes the worlds he builds amazing!

To start on a personal note, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Hi! My name is Michael Eigbadon. I currently live in Miami, doing an MBA and running several businesses (data analytics and housing). I am also a writer. Writing is something that I got into in 2004 with my first book, THE LEGEND OF ARCON (or Avarcon in the Arconian language—I invented). I cancelled that book for personal reasons and completed the first draft of my latest novel, DARKNESS AND THE CITY, by the end of that year.

After years of working professionally as a Performance Analyst, Business Support Analyst and Data Quality Analyst, I returned to the book in 2016 to prepare it for querying.

What novel are you currently querying? What is it about in a few sentences? 

I am trying to query the novel, DARKNESS AND THE CITY, a dystopian political thriller. It is follows Intelligence Agent Gee van Gauss in his bid to stop several secret societies from destroying the new superpower, the FRON, in the year 2100.

 Who is your favorite character from this book?

Gee van Gauss, because he is the protagonist.

Have you written/queried other books before? 

No, I have not queried other books before. As I mentioned earlier, my first book was Avarcon, which was about the descendant (set in 2004) of a powerful sorcerer at the height of the Sumerian civilization. He finds himself on a mission to stop an evil secret society from resurrecting the wicked Sumerian High Priest and save his father.

What is the hardest part about querying?

Obviously the rejection and not knowing what the agents want, even when you think that you have a slam dunk.

How did you go about picking the agents you wanted to query?

I went about picking agents based on Genres and if they were in New York, California, London, or Florida.

How do you cope with waiting to hear back from agents?

  

Doing other things like focusing on businesses and school work.

Do you have any tips for writers yet to query or people who are writing query letters?

For a person who hasn’t gotten an offer to represent, I can’t say much. But a lady called Emily Layne is my secret weapon; I recommend her for writers that have no idea where the sun is during a hot summer’s afternoon. (Aw! Thank you! I'm glad I can help.)

Finally, how will you celebrate when you eventually get your agent?

  

Pray I get a massive advance fee for the book J. I’m a business man. What do you expect?

Michael's a busy man, but he always takes the time to respond to messages (and do interviews!) so make sure you check out his links to stay up-to-date with his querying journey:

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Query Critique #12: DARKNESS AND THE CITY

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear ________,

John Gauss (Consider throwing one or two adjectives that describe John, that are distinctive to his character. That way, in the very important intro sentence, he doesn’t come off flat.), an agent with the National Intelligence Agency Agent (I’m just trying to cut down words. This is a pretty long first sentence!), witnesses the murder and subsequent revenge killing (Ooh!) of the leaders of Red Scar and then Avarcon leaders—the two most powerful secret societies in the world—in two back-to-back spying missions. It becomes clear after the assassinations that a city-wide underworld war in London, the current capital of the post-apocalyptic superpower, is inevitable (Why does it become clear? Could you try to show this in a single sentence?). Five years ago, this is the same kind of conflict that five years ago left Edinburgh destroyed decimated (strong adjectives are vital!) in after a nuclear explosion (I think you could cut the previous sentence that mentions London being the capital. This sentence shows what you were telling.). While piecing together information on underworld (Do you mean underground?) activity obtained mainly via remote surveillance, John and his team come across uncover a plan to break thirteen thousands of prisoners out of an underwater prison, by Dark Crescent—the terrorist organisation that thirty years earlier destroyed the economies of all the major world powers in a synchronized global terrorist attack.

The discovery of Dark Crescent’s plans suddenly puts thrusts John and his team in the middle of two massive threats to national security—a potential war between Avarcon and Red Scar, and the global threat by Dark Crescent. In order To stop these organisations from wreaking havoc on the country and the current prospering world, the team led by John’s team must maintain its focus even as an unexpected romantic relationship develops between John and Susan (This kind of comes from out of nowhere. You might want to mention Susan earlier before she becomes a “romantic interest.”), a female teammate (I think this is clear by the name “Susan” ;) ), threatening to derail the mission (I love a good romance story! You do a great job of showing the stakes. Well done!).

Darkness and the City DARKNESS AND THE CITY is a story set in the year 2100 (I think you might want to mention the year is 2100 in the first sentence of your query letter), and it examines from different points of view the issue of government surveillance of suspicious private organisations and organisation’s the right to privacy. The novel is speculative fiction with a blend of thriller and mystery (Don't forget to mention the age-range: adults, young adult, middle grade. I'm assuming it's adult, but it's always best to come right out and say so.), and it is complete at 88,000 words.

Please see the sample chapters of my manuscript below the query letter. Thank you very much for your time.

Yours Sincerely,

You’ve got the makings of a very great query letter. The vital elements are included, such as the main character, the antagonist, and the stakes. Fantastic job here! There are a few things that I would suggest adding/editing:

1. Show John’s personality. As the query reads, he’s a cut-and-dry FBI-ish operative that’s just like every other FBI-ish operative we’ve seen on TV and read about in books. What makes him different? A good place to squeeze this in is in the first sentence as I suggested. Also, if you decide to keep the romance angle in, use the way he deals with Susan to show his personality. Is he by the book? Sacrificing love to follow the rules? Or does he toss the world to the fire and love Susan despite everything?

2. Keep things short and snappy. Throughout your query letter there are spots where words could be cut or moved around to shorten long sentences. Long sentences spread out are fine, but there were quite a few after another. That makes for hard readability. Mix things up!

3. Descriptive adjectives and verbs are a must! Comb through your writing and check to make sure you’re using the best descriptor you can—especially when it comes to verbs. It makes your writing more colorful and pop!

Other than my three big suggestions, you’re well on your way! Make some tweaks and feel free to send your query letter back to me. I’d be happy to take a second look! Your concept is really interesting. I love the idea of a futuristic agency and an underground war. VERY cool. Good luck with this query letter. You’re almost ready for agents!!!