Query Critique #15: THE PENDRAGON'S SON

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear _______,

When seventeen-year-old Prince Vael meets his estranged half-brother, Mordred, for the first time, he discovers they’re fated to be enemies (How does he discover this?).

Vael’s comrades fear the ancient prophecy that claims claiming the bitter Mordred will slay his own father (Maybe instead of “own father” you should say King Arthur or something. That way there’s a connection that shows Mordred’s father and Vael’s father are one-and-the-same.) in battle that will destroy Britain. They warn him (Who is this him? Vael?) to stay away, but he’s too stubborn to heed them. Determined to prove that not all destinies are set in stone—especially since his own birth was foretold to be impossible—he takes Mordred as his squire. Although they have more than a little difficulty seeing don’t see eye to eye, their parents’ feeling of being ignored and rejected rejection by their parents knits them together. However, their budding friendship means nothing to the superstitious kingdom that wants nothing more than to see Mordred dead.

But fate is no easy foe. Mordred’s former love, Alfirin, knows this even more than Vael. When Mordred’s sorceress mother threatens Alfirin’s life to manipulate him, Vael must protect his new friend at all costs and keep his brother from following in his mother’s twisted footsteps (This sentence is a little messy. I’d consider chopping it into two. I think that you’re focusing on Mordred and Vael who are accomplishing different things in one sentence, which skews things a bit.). However, the vengeful sorceress has already gathered her forces against Camelot, and she will do anything to ensure Mordred fights by her side as foretold. If Vael fails to thwart hersave Mordred, he will have to assemble an army to defend his home from a man he loves—his own brother.

THE PENDRAGON’S SON (ADORE this title!) is a YA fantasy complete at 97,000 words with series potential. An excerpt from my manuscript received the Superior Award from the Association of Christian Schools International (ACSI) Creative Writing Contest and the ACSI Regional Creative Writing Festival (Congratulations! This is awesome!). I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a minor in literature from the Richard Stockton College of New Jersey.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You’ve got to love a King Arthur story! I know I do!

I didn’t make too many comments above because I wanted to save my “overall” thoughts for down here. Don’t take me the wrong way when I say this, because I want the best for you and your book, but this King Arthur story isn’t anything new. At least, that’s what I’m getting from your query letter. There are so many books on the market (and movies) that show Arthur (or some descendent) trying to save Mordred from his fate—and failing. Because you’re writing in such a sodden genre, you must show in your query letter how your book stands out. Take a look at your manuscript and jot down a few ideas about what makes your retelling different. Then try to squeeze those tidbits into your query letter.

That frustrating revelation aside, you did a fantastic job weaving your plot through the query letter. I can easily understand how one things leads to another. Something I would suggest is to try to reword the sentences so they’re snappier and use strong adjectives/verbs. The way the query is now, it didn’t paint a picture in my head. It was more like reading a textbook version of what happened in your book. THE PENDRAGON’S SON deserves much better than that! Vael is playing a weighted game against fate—a game he’s destined to lose. Show us the tension, make us hope that Mordred can overcome the cruel hand he’s dealt, make us sympathize with the brothers! You can do it!

I know my comments were pretty brutal. I don’t mean them that way :(. Your book and your time deserves 100% honesty, which is what I’m giving you. I want your query letter to shine brighter and be more powerful than Excalibur!

If you decide I’m not a horrible person (please decide I’m not!), I’d love to take a look at the edited version of your query letter! I have a weakness for a good Camelot retelling! Best of luck to you!