My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!
Original Version (with comments):
Dear
Miss,
I'm
seeking representation for "inflexible" (Usually
in queries, titles are written in all caps, like INFLEXIBLE. Love the title by
the way!) an 110,000 word science fiction (Capitalize
“Science Fiction”) Dystopian novel (Is this adult, young adult, or middle
grade? An agent needs to know the target audience up front. When you leave it
blank, I’m assuming this is an adult novel), where revenge
story sets in the future world (Not quite sure what you’re
trying to say with this sentence). I'm submitting to you
because I've read that you are interested in science fiction, diversity
and political intrigues. Thus I hope my novel will capture your attention
as well (Great job personalizing! I’d say if you are going to personalize it, you might want to go a step farther
and mention some books the agent represents, etc. Obviously you’re only going to
query an agent that is interested in science fiction!).
THOUGHTS
ON PARAGRAPH 1: You did a good job introducing your book, word count, and genre
as well as personalizing the beginning to the agent. I’m not sure you actually
need the “where revenge story sets in the future world.” Instead, consider
jumping into Paragraph 2 below. That is
where your story starts!
In
the future world only 7 seven (this is just personal opinion, but “7”
really pops in a bad way in this paragraph when it’s written as a number. But
it could just be me being silly!) countries have are left
after the brutal war (“the” brutal war? Do you have any more information that could
ground the agent? Also, you have to be super careful of typos and sentence wording.
Agents are harsh, but they will be less likely to want to see a manuscript if
the query letter is overly mess. Just a tip!). However in the
country where Peter lives nobody should know about it (It
being the war? Also, you might want to clue us in on how old Peter is).
Population thinks that only two countries Suez and Sanisty are left
and this two countries are playing dominant-submessive roles
perfectly (This sentence has a few typos in it, you might want to look back
and consider some rewording). However, the real
mysteries are the secret computers, which built destroyed planet at the end of
the war, but like everything has its price, these computers need biological
bodies to work regular. A little main half-biological detail
is inserted to the chosen kids bodies and all those kids are locked in special
prison and are treated horribly.
THOUGHTS
ON PARAGRAPH 2: Things are a little messy here. First of all you have to check
your wording and grammar to keep things clear. Also, it’s a lot of telling. Could you show through action
about these computers and quasi prison camps that the kids are forced to live
in?
Peter
managed to escape at age 11 and swore to revenge, however part of him
wanted to live like a normal kid shall live (Okay, so that first paragraph
was all backstory about Peter? How did he escape? One of the things you want to
avoid in query letters is making the agent ask questions. The only thing they
should be wondering is about how the story ends!). Clashing his two
wishes made his personality split (huh?!). In
the present Peter lives like a normal orphan boy which is raised by his uncle
and heartless killer Josh at the same time. Peter knows everything about his
dark side and because of that he's under a horrible stress. He has to decide
what to do, to forever forget about his revenge or rejoin both his parts and
complete his revenge. During his hesitation, things takes place in his
life, which forces him face his past once again and go the deeper past of
his countries. He knows, that path of his revenge, directly is connected
to the period at the end of the war and if you dares to follow his path, he may
forever destroy not only his life, but be the cause of Millions of
death.
THOUGHTS
ON PARAGRAPH 3: This sounds like a very interesting plot! Things are just very
bogged down as they are by typos and oddly phrased sentences. You might want to
start at the beginning and rework how you want this query letter to flow. Ask
yourself these kinds of questions:
1. Who is
the main character? The agent needs their name, age, and something compelling
about them that makes them interesting/relatable (this last point can be shown
throughout the letter).
2. What
characters have to be mentioned (i.e.
are critical to the plot). You don’t want too many characters bogging down your
query letter. You did a good job with that here!
3. What is
the overall arching plot? It seems like your query letter is jumping around a
lot. It’s important to start with the beginning of the story, instead of
slogging through backstory.
"Inflexible"
Is the first of planned series
Thank
you for your time and consideration
Best
wishes
FINAL
THOUGHTS: Like I said earlier, this does look like a very promising story, and
I don’t want you to get discouraged with any changes that might need to be made—it’s
all worth it in the end. Let me know if you want me to take a look at any edits
that you make. Good luck with INFLEXIBLE!
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