Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Query Critique #24: WHEN SET ABLAZE

My thoughts are added in redEvery comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear ______,

WHEN SET ABLAZE (70.000 words) is a 70,000 word YA scifi/dystopian with elements of ancient Roman mythology comparable to that fans of “X-Men” and “The Giver” will enjoy.  as well as 'the Giver’ and containing elements of ancient Greek and Roman history and mythology.

The city of Troy went up in flames around 1200 BC. Now, over 4000 years later, Soteria faces the same fate.

Sixteen-year-old Dawn Bellatoris finds more than she was looking for when she searches for her father (Instead of saying she “finds more than she was looking for” tell us what she finds. That would be the hook!).

As the Librarian’s apprentice she now has the chance to find out what happened to her father, who disappeared years ago and used to work for the Librarian (You’ve just repeated what you said in the first sentence. Consider combining these two together.). During her search for answers, Dawn finds a machine from which a needle appears that injects her with a serum (How does this happen? Does she touch it? Is she in a forbidden part of the library?). This serum gives her the ability to control fire and it makes her veins glow gold (Consider rewording this with strong verbs to show how awesome this new power is!).

But Dawn is not the only one with abilities. From a rival city, supersoldiers come to Soteria (Make it clear earlier on that this is the place where she lives.) with one thing in mind: revenge. Revenge for the people who fell (Do you mean died? How did they die? In a war?) because Soteria didn’t want to intervene (Intervene in what?).

If getting revenge means they need to destroy and entire city and kill or enslave all of its people, then so it will be (Isn’t that usually the goal of invading nations, haha.).

Finding her father is no longer Dawn’s priority. Her city is in danger and with her new abilities, Dawn might be the only one who can save the citizens of Soteria (There are pretty weak stakes here, just because we don’t empathize with anyone but Dawn. Does she have other loved ones in Soteria that she wants to protect? What really motivates her? Saving a nation is great, but I think making it a little more personal will help).
  
WHEN SET ABLAZE is my first YA scifi. I’ve written two Middle Grade books before, which were published by a small, independent publisher called 'Boekscout'(not sure if I should mention this)

As well as WHEN SET ABLAZE, I have also written two middle grade novels, published by the independent publisher Boekscout. (Put the titles of these books so if interested, agents can look them up. If they won any awards that would be good to mention as well. I also think it might be wise to combine this paragraph with the first one where you introduce the book.)

Thank you for reading this query for your time. The full manuscript is available upon request.

The big thing I noticed in this query letter are the unanswered questions. There are events and locales that I know nothing about. I think you could stand to beef up your query letter as well as the stakes. Furthermore, from your query, I didn’t get the mythology vibe that you promised in your opening. I’d go through your query and make sure you add this element somewhere.

Feel free to send this back to me for another look. Best wishes!!


post signature

No comments:

Post a Comment