Thursday, November 3, 2016

Query Critique #23: UNTITLED

My thoughts are added in redEvery comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

When fifteen-year-old Marc Cheeks’ recovery from a near-fatal stabbing includes enhanced physical powers, he realizes the cliché “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is family fact (This sentence started off awesome, but once I got to “cliché” it failed for me. I think the word “cliché” actually makes it cliché haha. Also the “family fact” threw me until I got to the later sentences and realized what you meant. To be honest, the really cool part of this query, and what I believe to be the hook, is the second sentence. This one, right here à). For every near-death incident, the men in his family are rewarded with even more superhuman strength, but whatever darkness lies inside grows as well. Alcoholism consumes his father. Insanity institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather. Marc fears what could await him.

This is what I would imagine this paragraph to look like if you decided to use the second sentence as your hook:

With every near-death incident, the men in fifteen-year-old Marc Cheeks’ family are rewarded with increasing superhuman strength—and cursed (I’m sure you can pick something better, but “the darkness inside them grows” puzzled me to how it could relate to cancer and such). Alcoholism consumes his father. Insanity institutionalizes his uncle. Cancer stole his grandfather. After a near-fatal stabbing, Marc fears what could await him.

After his dad takes his own life commits suicide to escape a deep pit of depression, Marc enlists the help of friends and his crazy uncle, Lester, to decipher his father’s last words: “It doesn’t have to be a curse.” A journal entrusted with his dad’s best friend, Milt, offers Marc his only leads in a search for a person defined as a curse-ending soulmate (How did Marc get this journal? Did Milt give it to him?).

The journal teaches Marc how to sideswipe (I think sideswipe is the wrong word here) death and grow stronger, but pieces of himself slip away into apathy and violence (How can a journal do something like this?). He’s becoming the worst parts of his father and his uncle, and the collateral damage includes a body count.

Marc stumbles upon Milt’s plan to manipulate Marc’s budding abilities to steal his way to riches and kill anyone who crosses him. Forced to make a desperate plea to his uncle Lester, Marc discovers his uncle believes he can cure his own insanity by killing Marc (I feel like a little too much plot is going on here. These are great subplots and such, but I think we got off track from the original soulmate solution. Consider getting rid of one or both of these. I don’t think you even need this paragraph necessarily.).

To save himself, Marc must outsmart Milt, defeat an uncle more dangerous than crazy, and find his soulmate before the family curse claims another victim.

Just some surface-level stuff here. You’ve got a plot-solid query. Some tweaking will really make it shine. Good luck!



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