Query Critique #13: THE STARLIGHT CROWN

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

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Original Version (with comments):

Dear __________,

16-year-old Eden has always dreamed of life among the stars, and when she’s chosen to compete in the Miss Universe pageant, her wish has come true (Fantastic opening. Right from the beginning I’m given a bit of Eden’s personality, her goals, and that this book is probably a sci-fi novel! Stellar!). But her fight for the title won’t just determine who wins a crown – it will decide the fate of a galaxy on the brink of war (LOVE! I’m hooked.).

For Eden, Miss Universe is a chance to explore a galaxy forbidden to Earth for centuries (I’m a little confused here. You started to talk about the contest being more than a contest. I was expecting a little more explanation. If you decide to keep this, consider explaining why the galaxy has been forbidden to Earth. Save the unexplained plot bits for the end!). For her new friends, it’s their only hope of escape from a tyrannical theocracy, an apartheid state, or a dying home world (I love that you’re giving all the girls a deeper reason for being in the pageant. Makes me love them all already!). With a promise to unite their fractured solar system no matter who wins, the girls enter the pageant’s labyrinthine compound on the Moon (Neat!), where one of them will become the official ambassador for peace in a bright new era. Or so they believe (Uh oh!).

(I wanted to pause here to say a few things about Paragraph 2. You did an amazing job with #1. You drew me in flawlessly. When I hit #2, things come to a screeching halt and got a little confusing. I think some rewording would definitely help here. Consider continuing in the vein of the pageant deciding the fate of a galaxy. Something like:

“The girls enter the pageant’s labyrinthine compound on the Moon, where one of them will become the official ambassador for peace in a bright new era. Or so they believe. For Eden, Miss Universe is a chance to explore an unknown galaxy. For her new friends, it’s their only hope of escaping a tyrannical theocracy, an apartheid state, or a dying home world.”

I’m sure you can think of something better. But for me this seems to flow a bit better. You had all the pieces, I think they just needed to be rearranged.)

Behind the glitz and glamor, this pageant is far from the beauty contest its organizers advertised (Show how the contest isn’t as advertised. Maybe something like, “Behind the glitz and glamor, this pageant hides a dark secret.” See what I mean?). By day, hopefuls for the crown learn decorum and diplomacy; by night, they train in elemental arts both dazzling and dangerous. The appearance of Toru, son of Earth’s leader, doesn’t make things any easier for Eden – especially since her interest in him jeopardizes her place in the contest (Why is the appearance of Toru such a big deal? Does Eden know him from before? Without giving a bit of background or why’s, the danger of Toru seems to fall flat.).

But when disqualified contestants start disappearing before they can return home, Eden and her friends suspect there’s a more sinister purpose to this contest than choosing a beauty queen. With the help of a mysterious ally (Who’s the mysterious ally? No secrets except the ending, remember!), they learn that hidden within these the labyrinth’s walls is the real reason they were brought here: a weapon more powerful than any this solar system has ever known (Show us the power. Is it able to destroy a planet? Wipe out a population with one shot?), and one which can only be used by a daughter of the world it came from (I’d suggest making this its own sentence to keep in punchy: “And can only be used by the daughter of the world that created it.”).

She’s the one many have died to protect. The one many more would kill to find. The one who will become Miss Universe – and whoever she is, she’ll hold the fate of the universe in her hands (This is a super cool ending. I adore it. I’m just a little confused as to how the contest will reveal which girl it is and why the leaders didn’t just kidnap the right girl and make her use the weapon.).

Complete at 80,000 words, THE STARLIGHT CROWN (Beautiful title!) is a YA sci-fi that will appeal to fans of Marissa Meyer’s Cinder and Victoria Aveyard’s Red Queen, (Marvelous comps!) and is the first in a planned series.

Wow. Okay, I know there is a lot of red in this query letter. But let me tell you right now, I want to read this book. Desperately. It’s so differently from any scifi I’ve seen on the shelves lately. I think an agent will feel the same. It’s like The Selection, in space, with a much cooler end-prize.  While I do think you might be able to get an agent with this based on the idea alone, I think making the query letter shine would garner you a lot more requests (In fact, I’m kind of jealous of your idea, haha!). I don’t have much to say down here that I didn’t say inline. Keep an eye on your word count for your query. It totaled at 344 words. It’s not a huge deal, but keeping things succinct and snappy is always important. I don’t have much else to say in this section. Other than lots of compliments of course, haha.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Furthermore, if you make changes and want me to take another look, feel free to send it my way. Good luck! I hope to see THE STARLIGHT CROWN on bookshelves soon.