Classics Challenge: "Lord of the Flies"

Oh, boy. Wow. 
Let me just start my saying that if a bunch of girls were stranded on an island, I think things would've been very different.
I mean, the first things the boys do is strip and go swimming! The most logical one was Piggy (which is obviously not his real name) and then later Ralph.
Things start off well enough for the boys. They have a lazy system working. But as days pass, everything falls apart. No one listens to the rules, everyone forgets about keeping the fire that will get them rescued except a small few, and hunting becomes the preferred activity.
I'm not going to go through each plot point with you. Partly because I don't remember them (the book was kind of confusing) and partly because I don't want to relive it. LORD OF THE FLIES disturbed me.

Three boys died in this book (at least, as far as we know). Two were murdered. My favorite character, Simon, was the first to be killed by his comrades. Or, rather, beaten to death shall we say. And he was running to inform everyone about the "monster."
And they killed him.
More than anything about the book, Simon's death bothered me most. I can't get it out of my head.
It makes me so angry!
Ugh!
Suffice to say, I would not recommend this book to anyone looking for a good classic. In fact, I'd advise you to stay very, very far away!

First Lines

The blank page is a challenge. First lines, even more so.
Despite the best plotting I can muster, by the end of my edits, my first lines are never the same. This applies to every single (seven!) book I've written. 

Since I'm working on editing THESE WICKED WATERS for my agent (final round, we hope!), I thought it would be fun to share all of my first lines. To my surprise, there were six different versions. Most of them are similar and some not so much. Number 6 is the "final" version that is currently in my manuscript.
1. "The stories should've kept Mom away."
2. "When Mom bought the island investors called "cursed," I figured she wanted a challenge."
3. "When Mom bought the island rational investors called "cursed," I figured she was hungry for a challenge."
4. "The mysterious disappearances and unexplained drownings should've kept Mom away from the island."
5. "Color me cliche, but for a "cursed" island I expected some dense fog, a bubbling volcano, and a gnawed skeleton-or two-stretched across the beach."
6. "For a "cursed" island I'd expected dense fog and gnawed skeletons stretched across the beach."
Do you have a favorite? Even still, I'm not sure which one is absolutely perfect. Though that's the struggle with writing, nothing is ever absolutely perfect!

Query Critique #17: WORKING TITLE

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Amaleigh Santos (neat name!) is the president's daughter in an alternate New York City where the magical elite known as the Maginai are divided into two groups. Fire Wielders, those with the dragon's gift of fire and Fae Mages, those whose magical gifts come from the Fae. Amaleigh is torn as she wants to join the Guild of Engineers to make her city a better place from the ground up. 

This paragraph is struggling a little bit. The first sentence, which is supposed to be a hook, is more of an info dump and, unfortunately, the rest of the paragraph is as well. Consider something like: “In an alternate New York City where the magical elite, known as Maginai, are divided into two groups. Sixteen-year-old Amaleigh Santos, president’s daughter and humanitarian, longs to join the Guild of Engineers—to heal her prejudiced city, from the ground up.”

See what I mean? This is a hook. Make your own changes, but I wanted to give you a model of what I’m talking about, at least :)

 Whereas her father expects her to eventually follow in his footsteps and replace him as president (This should go up in the first paragraph), According to a mysterious dragon knight sent by order of Queen Tiamat, queen of all dragons, to protect her, Amaleigh is to be trained as a skilled warrior in order to become leader of the queen's guard. 
  
 Just before her eighteenth birthday, when each member of the Maginai community is considered an adult. Amaleigh begins to have strangely prophetic dreams where she is visited by Merlin, the most powerful of all Fae Mages, who had long since disappeared after the fall of the fabled Camelot. He warns her that she must prepare for a war against the Fae where the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. 

This paragraph is pretty confusing. It’s cool that Amaleigh is visited by Merlin! But I didn’t know humans also existed in this alternate NYC. You might want to make that clear. Also, consider showing a little more the tension in NYC. Are the Fae and Fire fighting each other? Are humans caught in the crosshairs? What exactly is going on this cool city of yours?

  
  Merlin tells her warns that in order to survive the oncoming war she will need to awaken Arthur the young king who was beloved by dragons and Fae alike. Only then will she be able to stop the Fae queen from breaking the seal between the worlds, and invading the human realm and eradicating all dragons who dare stand in her way (You’ve lost me again. So the humans are in the real NYC? And the magic people are in another version?). Amaleigh's life is turned upside down (Cliché! Stay away from this phrase!) when she is declared the first ever human heir to the dragon's throne (Wait. I thought Amaleigh lived in the magic part of NYC?).

  The queen is dying, and has waited nearly a thousand years for a Fire Wielder worthy of the throne to be born. A Queen to unite all realms. It is unknown whether a human can even survive the ceremony to become queen. 

 
 Before that, Amaleigh will have to survive the attempts on her life by murderous, or perhaps well meaning Fae. For what the Fae queen has in store for her may be a fate worse than death. Can Amaleigh bear the weight of the crown of flames? (Ending in questions is strongly discouraged!)

Okay! First of all, from what I could understand, this is a really cool fantasy novel! At least, I think it’s fantasy. You didn’t have a closing paragraph giving the title OR the word count. Make sure you add that before subbing to agents.

One thing I’d suggest is going through your query letter and look at it from an outsider’s perspective. Does the world building make sense? How about Amaleigh’s motivations. As you can tell from my notes inline, the aspect of your NYC world really confused me. I’d advise firming up your explanation a little more.

On another note, your word count for this query was 359 words. The sweet spot is usually 250-300 words. There are definitely some things that you can cut and tighten to make your query letter sparkle.

Good luck with this! Feel free to send me the edited version, if you like!

Slight of Hand

Any writer knows, typing speed is important.
The faster you type, the faster your book is written.
Not to brag, but a childhood of typing stories (which I vow to never, ever share with you guys) has skilled my chubby fingers to type 120 WPM. This has given me an edge in NaNoWriMo and just writing in general.
But as it turns out, 120 WPM comes with a price.
I think I have the beginnings of carpal tunnel in my left hand.

It's not unbearable. But at times (like right now as I'm typing this blog post after writing a few other emails), my wrist and palm have a weird, slight tingle to them.
Don't worry too much, though! I have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor scheduled, well... today! By the time this post goes live, I'll already have braved a doctor's office.
To be honest, I didn't want to go to the doctor for my rebellious left hand. I want to just buy a brace and deal. But then my dad convinced me. He said, "Emily, your hands are your craft. You need to take care of them." 
So, I am.
And if you to are struggling with something of the sort, I recommend you do too.

Query Critique #16: THE SEVEN SOULS

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear ____,

In the forest, where the trees uproot and come alive at sun down, a fifteen-year-old refugee named Kale is learning how to tame them (Amazing first sentence. Oh, wow! I love it already. That and I have a character in one my books named Kale. So great name choice! ;) ). Kale is a Shepherd, a master of living trees– at least he will be once he passes his apprenticeship (Is this the right word? It might just be me, but I’m picturing him passing a test so he can be an apprentice. Maybe just keep it simple and swap apprenticeship with “final test.”). But under his mentor′s watchful eye, he struggles to earn his title (The way this sentence is worded, it almost seems like because of his mentor’s watchful eye, Kale can’t pass his apprenticeship.).

To further his training, Kale′s mentor brings him along accompanies his master to investigate a breach in the forest. They find a discover a dark creature bearing a message from Socren′s (What is Scoren? A towen?) corrupt leader, Edric. The refugees have four days to return to Socren, a city overrun and controlled by Edric′s experimental creatures and its citizens treated as slaves, where they will face trial for desertion (This is a pretty important world-building sentence. You might want to break this into two sentences. I know you mentioned in the very first sentence that Kale was a refugee. I cut that because I wanted to make the sentence punchier and you telling us that Kale was a refugee made me pause and try to understand why he is a refugee, which you didn’t answer. Consider explaining why Kale and his mentor are refugees in this paragraph. Also, why would Edric be summoning the refugees back just to kill them? Who would go???) .

Kale and the refugees must make a choiceto choose: come out of hiding and likely face execution, or defy Edric′s demands and flee (Choice number two!!). The answer seems simple to Kale: run. But when an ancient power, thought to be dormant, reawakens and begins to devour devouring the forest, Kale realizes neither option can will assure their livessurvival. They must fight – fight back against Edric and his monstrous creatures in hopes to regain their city once and for all (What brought them to this decision? Were they going to flee into the forest? The forest that’s being destroyed? You might want to show how Kale reaches this decision a little bit. I couldn’t connect the dots.). Kale must convince the refugees to find their courage if they wish to survive. (I think the previous sentence is a great way to end it!)

The Seven Souls THE SEVEN SOULS is a YA fantasy novel completed at 99,000 words with series potential. I've written to you because you are actively seeking fantasy submissions. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Not much to say down here! All my major comments are inline. Of course, I think you could go through and toughen up some of your verbs, but I think this query letter is well on its way to being finished. Paragraph #2 is your weakest link, so spend some time tweaking that one. Since your book is a fantasy, it’s very important that the world building in your query letter is clear.

If you want to send me your edits later on, feel free! I wish you the best with THE SEVEN SOULS!

Classics Challenge: Mid-Month Update

Let me just ask you, why is LORD OF THE FLIES a classic? 
I'm serious, why? This book just tells us what we already know: human nature is a dirty dark creature. Left unchecked, the monster rears it's ugly head.
Now for another question, why did I put this on my list?
I've done a pretty lousy job of picking books, haven't I? But this one is short, which definitely means that I will finish it.
LORD OF THE FLIES is a little confusing at the start. It opens with two boys wandering down a "scar" (a path made by a crashing plane in the jungle). It's not clear how these boys managed to escape a plane crash uninjured (or the numerous other boys who survive, for that matter).

This isn't the type of book you can immerse yourself in. Furthermore, it's difficult to explain to someone else what's happening. The plot points are so random and blur together. Probably because not much happens...until something happens. It's hard to explain.
Either way, I'm vaguely aware of how this book is going to end, courtesy of popular culture. 
I will be honest and say that, a few nights ago, when I was sitting in bed reading, I got very creeped out. The boys talk about this unseen "monster"...
And, yeah. I had to put the book down.
Because I got scared. So there's that.

Query Critique #15: THE PENDRAGON'S SON

My thoughts are added in red. Every comment is my own opinion. Readers, feel free to leave your own comments below and help a fellow writer out!

If you're interested in a Free Query Critique, follow the link for more information.

Original Version (with comments):

Dear _______,

When seventeen-year-old Prince Vael meets his estranged half-brother, Mordred, for the first time, he discovers they’re fated to be enemies (How does he discover this?).

Vael’s comrades fear the ancient prophecy that claims claiming the bitter Mordred will slay his own father (Maybe instead of “own father” you should say King Arthur or something. That way there’s a connection that shows Mordred’s father and Vael’s father are one-and-the-same.) in battle that will destroy Britain. They warn him (Who is this him? Vael?) to stay away, but he’s too stubborn to heed them. Determined to prove that not all destinies are set in stone—especially since his own birth was foretold to be impossible—he takes Mordred as his squire. Although they have more than a little difficulty seeing don’t see eye to eye, their parents’ feeling of being ignored and rejected rejection by their parents knits them together. However, their budding friendship means nothing to the superstitious kingdom that wants nothing more than to see Mordred dead.

But fate is no easy foe. Mordred’s former love, Alfirin, knows this even more than Vael. When Mordred’s sorceress mother threatens Alfirin’s life to manipulate him, Vael must protect his new friend at all costs and keep his brother from following in his mother’s twisted footsteps (This sentence is a little messy. I’d consider chopping it into two. I think that you’re focusing on Mordred and Vael who are accomplishing different things in one sentence, which skews things a bit.). However, the vengeful sorceress has already gathered her forces against Camelot, and she will do anything to ensure Mordred fights by her side as foretold. If Vael fails to thwart hersave Mordred, he will have to assemble an army to defend his home from a man he loves—his own brother.

THE PENDRAGON’S SON (ADORE this title!) is a YA fantasy complete at 97,000 words with series potential. An excerpt from my manuscript received the Superior Award from the Association of Christian Schools International (ACSI) Creative Writing Contest and the ACSI Regional Creative Writing Festival (Congratulations! This is awesome!). I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a minor in literature from the Richard Stockton College of New Jersey.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You’ve got to love a King Arthur story! I know I do!

I didn’t make too many comments above because I wanted to save my “overall” thoughts for down here. Don’t take me the wrong way when I say this, because I want the best for you and your book, but this King Arthur story isn’t anything new. At least, that’s what I’m getting from your query letter. There are so many books on the market (and movies) that show Arthur (or some descendent) trying to save Mordred from his fate—and failing. Because you’re writing in such a sodden genre, you must show in your query letter how your book stands out. Take a look at your manuscript and jot down a few ideas about what makes your retelling different. Then try to squeeze those tidbits into your query letter.

That frustrating revelation aside, you did a fantastic job weaving your plot through the query letter. I can easily understand how one things leads to another. Something I would suggest is to try to reword the sentences so they’re snappier and use strong adjectives/verbs. The way the query is now, it didn’t paint a picture in my head. It was more like reading a textbook version of what happened in your book. THE PENDRAGON’S SON deserves much better than that! Vael is playing a weighted game against fate—a game he’s destined to lose. Show us the tension, make us hope that Mordred can overcome the cruel hand he’s dealt, make us sympathize with the brothers! You can do it!

I know my comments were pretty brutal. I don’t mean them that way :(. Your book and your time deserves 100% honesty, which is what I’m giving you. I want your query letter to shine brighter and be more powerful than Excalibur!

If you decide I’m not a horrible person (please decide I’m not!), I’d love to take a look at the edited version of your query letter! I have a weakness for a good Camelot retelling! Best of luck to you!

Classics Challenge: William Golding

"The greatest ideas are the simplest." ~William Golding
For the month of July, we have another British author! William Golding was a self-proclaimed bully. At the age of twelve he attempted to write his first novel, but was unsuccessful. He took his frustrations out on other children. Golding is even quoted to say, regarding himself, "I enjoyed hurting people." 

Rather than study science in college like his father wanted, Golding opted for literature. He published his first book, a book of poetry, titled Poems (rather original, don't you think?) in 1934. Unfortunately, Poems didn't garner much interest.
Golding abandoned writing for a time, choosing to teach at a boy's school. It was here, teaching unruly boys, that he would draw inspiration for his most acclaimed work, Lord of the Flies. In 1940, like many other men during his time, Golding left his post as teacher and enlisted to fight in World War II.
Soon after, Golding penned Lord of the Flies. After Lord of the Flies' success, Golding went on to publish numerous other works such as Rites of Passage, Free Fall, and The Pyramid. 
Golding even had the Nobel Prize for Literature to his credit!
He passed away from a heart attack in his home in 1993.
Writerly Things to Learn from William Golding:
1. Who we are in our childhood doesn't dictate our future. Though Golding was a self-proclaimed bully, he went on to do wonderful things with his life, including serving in WWII. Don't base your future on failures of the past. Learn and grow!
2. Everyone gets rejected at some point. Before Lord of the Flies was published, Golding fielded 21 rejections (which I think is a pretty big number for the time period. Hello, postage!). Don't give up on your own work. Who knows? Maybe one day it too will be a classic!