1. Use the Write & Hide Method. In other words, write the query letter and then leave it alone for a few days. Fresh eyes are an asset.
2. Make use of query critiques! Get whoever you can to look at your letter. Search for contests. Check me out, I offer free critiques (on more than just query letters!). AgentQuery Connect is also a great resource for critiques--but be prepared to give back!
3. Take. Your. Time. My final version is Draft 15 (literally, that's the name of the doc on my laptop) and it took me 2+ months to get to it.
Without further to do... I reveal, the queries!
DRAFT ONE
After
an unfortunate incident involving a tutu and a school’s patron saint statue,
eighteen-year-old Annie is yanked from her summer rock-climbing fantasies and
shoved into indentured servitude via cleaning toilets at her mom’s newest project:
a fancy-shmancy island resort.
Gawking
at hairy amazon armpits, handling strangers’ tighty whities, and avoiding a cute
but troublemaking lifeguard are all part of a day’s work. Annie resigns herself
to a mentally scarring, yet deathly boring, summer. Until she sneaks out for contraband
climbing and discovers the skeletal remains of siren.
Then
human bodies start washing up on shore.
The
NIS (National Intelligence Service) invades. Annie knows their suspect pool is
kiddie-sized, mythological women don’t have a notch in the modern-day man hunt.
Curiosity over the island’s mysterious inhabitants and the government’s
ineptitude lure Annie into treacherous waters.
Foiled attempting
to swallow half the Atlantic Ocean, Annie is shocked to face her rescuer: a
scaled woman with two tails. Annie fires off questions, but the siren, Lorelei,
only answers with gestures. Her tongue has been sliced from her mouth.
Lorelei manages
to reveal three truths. One, Lorelei has been banished from her kind after an
unexplained betrayal. Two, the sirens despise humans—lung-breathers—courtesy of
a century’s old vendetta. And, three, the sirens are preparing to attack the
island, ravenous for human blood.
With the
overtime Annie’s going clock while convincing her mom of sirens’ existence and
protecting guests from a gory death, she deserves a promotion.
FINAL VERSION
After her rock climbing trip is
cancelled, eighteen-year-old Annie Mayfield expects a boring summer at her
mom’s island resort—until she stumbles upon a human skeleton. Though a closer
look reveals the skeleton isn’t human at all. Humans don’t have fish tails.
Days later, a guest’s bloated
body washes ashore. Law enforcement pronounces the death an accidental drowning,
yet Annie wonders if something mythological is at play. Revealing the skeleton
would give investigators a better lead, but Annie keeps quiet, aware her
discovery occurred while scaling the Forbidden-By-Mom Cliffs. Instead, she
channels Nancy Drew—minus the skirt and pearls.
While scavenging the island for clues,
Annie discovers a siren tangled in submerged netting and cuts her loose. The
siren’s thank you is a warning: others are coming, and they’re hungry. When
Annie’s childhood crush is found next, mutilated and half-eaten, things get
personal. No more waiting for an attack. Annie’s bringing the fight to the
sirens.
~~~~~
Unlike the first, the final version snags Annie's voice, the plot, and the stakes--without giving away too much. Thoughts? Feel free to comment!
