Query Critique: THE FEATHER

I had the opportunity to critique a query letter of one of my favorite writer friends. She told me I could share it on my blog with all of you. Just a disclaimer that I am no expert when it comes to query letters. Any comments are just my own thoughts. Ready?

                                     

13 year old Ariana has a lot of things to worry about. On top of the normal worries like grades, homework, and making friends, she finds herself taking care of her mother who fell into a deep depression when Ari's father went missing several years back.

What Ari doesn't know is that things are about to get worse. A lot worse. This is all unnecessary background information. The next paragraph is where things actually get interesting, so let’s have the query start there.

After a fishing trip turned nightmare, thirteen-year-old Ari finds herself trapped in a parallel universe, with terrifying shadow creatures close on her heels Why are they on her heels?. Her only friend ally is a talking weasel, who informs her that not only can she never go home, but that she's expected to save an entire kingdom from an evil mage who turned his own son into a bird. Why does she have to save the kingdom? She’s the outsider after all.

Can she rise to face the challenges presented to her, or will she turn her back on the people who desperately need her help? Questions at the end of queries are big No-No’s, apparently. Try putting the stakes into just one sentence.

THE FEATHER is a 70,000 word novel that tells the story of Ari, a young girl who is whisked away from her normal life, into one that is almost too impossible to believe.  Though her journeys Ari must come to terms with her inability to control the path she has been put on, or learn to take charge and change it. What kind of novel is it? Sounds like a middle grade novel to me.

Okay, final thoughts. You could stand to make this query longer, especially since it’s a 70,000 word novel. The annoying thing about query letters is you don’t want the agents asking questions. Let me just list mine to help you figure out what direction you want to go into:
    1. Why are the shadow creatures after Ari

          2. Why does Ari have to save this kingdom? Is she the only one? Does she have a special power?        3. What are the stakes? Why does Ari have to save the kingdom? Does she end up caring about the weasel or any of the inhabitants?

Thank you for the opportunity to critique your work. This book sounds incredibly interesting. I can’t wait to see it in print. Good luck!